The long and windy road to self-care and accepting help

In this conversation, Tarra shares her experiences of motherhood, including her pregnancies and births, struggles with postnatal depression, and her journey with trauma and mental health. She discusses the challenges she faced and the support she received, highlighting the importance of seeking help and finding effective treatment.

Tarra's story emphasizes the need for understanding and empathy towards individuals experiencing mental health issues during the transition to parenthood. 

Tarra shares her journey of mental health struggles, including her experience with electroconvulsive therapy and her time in a subacute unit. She discusses her current life and the importance of self-care.

Tarra emphasizes the significance of asking for help and accepting it. She also mentions her upcoming therapy sessions using dialectical behavior therapy. Tarra concludes by encouraging listeners to take one day at a time and find enjoyment in every day.

Other topics explored in this episode:

• Postnatal depression can affect mothers regardless of their desire to be a parent or their love for their child. It is important to seek help and support when experiencing mental health challenges during the postpartum period.
• Trauma and past experiences can impact a person's mental health during pregnancy and motherhood. It is crucial to address and process these traumas with the help of therapy and support.
• Accessing appropriate mental health care, such as parent-infant mental health units and therapy, can provide valuable support and resources for individuals struggling with mental health issues during the transition to parenthood.
• Creating a supportive network and connecting with others who have similar experiences can be beneficial for mental health and well-being.

Head to the podcast Instagram and hit the bio link to sign up for preorder today.

Transcript

Carter

So today we have Tara with us. Tara is a local to me. She's a few towns over. How you doing today?

Tarra

Yeah, I'm good. Thank you. Recently recovered from COVID, but I'm a lot better now.

Carter

Brilliant. Yeah, it's it's always the case with with COVID. Takes a little bit to get back on your feet, unfortunately. But I'm glad you're on the mend now. So why don't we jump straight in? Tell us a little bit about yourself and. Your family.

Tarra

So I am a mum to two little boys. I'm also a FIFO wife or Dido wife. Technically my husband is driving drive out to the mines in NSW. He's actually starting a job next week working on the Snowy Hydro, but still drive in drive out. He's a two week on one week off roster which is. Tough we've been two weeks on two weeks off for the last five years, so it'll be a big change only having him home for a week at a time. My 2 little Boys River is 3 1/2 and Hendrix is he'll be. Two next month.

Carter

Cool, cool. Names River and Hendricks.

Tarra

Yeah, can't take the credit, Dan named them.

Carter

OK. Well, you can take the credit, cause his name. 'S Dan.

Tarra

I know, I know. When we were choosing names, especially for river, he's like, what about this? Like, no, I know someone with that name. It's like you always gotta know someone with that name. And I said you. Need to remember my. Name is Tara. I have never met another Tara. But there are so many Daniels. So yeah, river and Hendricks, but they're both very, very popular names now. I know of five other hendricks's now and yeah, so many rivers. So I was in a Facebook group when I was pregnant with river and it was all Aussie women due in September 2019 and. My river was the 5th river to be born.

Carter

Yeah. Wow.

Tarra

Just in September.

Carter

It's still a cool name. Did you did you go with Hendrickson River? Is it like, after Jimi Hendrix and River Phoenix or anything like that or yeah. Yeah. No, I'm. I'm so. I'm so here for it. That's that's the thing with, you know, naming kids these days as river and Hendricks. And like, all of the cool, the cool names. Yeah. Are the equivalent of this day and age to like, what Robert and Patrick and everything was back in the back in the day. So I wonder in another.

Tarra

Exactly, yes.

Carter

You know, 50 years what the names are going. To be and they'll look back at.

Tarra

It'll be interesting.

Carter

River and and Hendricks and think God what old fashioned names.

Tarra

I know, I know, but then you've got, like, your Charlotte's and audreys and and Georges coming through and it's either really old classic names or these real. Modern, well, people call them hippie names, but I think they call.

Carter

Yeah, I think they're cool too. Awesome. So sorry. How old was was Hendrickson River?

Tarra

So River's 3 1/2 and Hendricks will be two. Next month.

Carter

Awesome. Yeah. And why don't you run me through the pregnancies for both kids and how it all went? And did you? Did you have a smooth ride?

Tarra

Well before river, we actually lost our first baby at 10 weeks. Fell pregnant really quickly, which was really exciting. We got married in the March, decided to start trying in April. We were pregnant by July, we told all our families when we were ten weeks cause we've actually my birthday and I was like, I'm gonna tell everyone. Why wait for 12 weeks like we've made it this far. It'll be fine. And then a few days later started bleeding and. Went to Ed. They refused to do an ultrasound there, which was. Yeah, pretty traumatic. So organised an ultrasound the next day and confirmed there was no heartbeat and the baby I had actually stopped growing at 7 weeks passed everything naturally, really painful and traumatising, but physically. It all went well as the doctors like to say I had another ultrasound a few days later, which confirmed that, yeah, everything had passed by itself. Then it took another six months just for me to actually be OK with trying again. I yeah, just couldn't get my head around going through that again. So I was like, well, if I don't try, if I never fall pregnant, I can never lose another. Quincy and then it was New Year's Day. I was with my best friend and her and I both. We have the same favourite wine, just from a little winery in Avenal which a lot of people don't even know. What avenal is, but I'd stopped past on the way, grabbed this bottle of wine, got to my best friend's house, and I was like, have a glass of wine. With me, it's New Year's Day and she's like, no, I can't. And I was like, what do you mean you can't? And she's like I'm. Pregnant. And she'd been trying for three or four years, so it was really, really exciting. But my gut just dropped. I was like, I cannot get through her pregnancy if I'm not pregnant. Mm-hmm. So I got home. Dan was actually supposed to start a new job and was supposed to leave New Year's. Day, which is why. Or see my best friend and last minute his start date was pushed back, so I went home and luckily his start date was pushed back because I fell pregnant. And first go. And I was really, really scared when I found out that I was pregnant. But. Excited. And I was so, so sick. Morning sickness hit me like a truck at 5 weeks. Conveniently, when I was on night shift at work and I was working as a nurse in a special care nursery at the time. So very, very little sick babies. And I developed a milk. A version so every time I had to feed a baby, I'd have to try not to vomit. And there was a few times where I would nearly throw a baby at another nurse. Feel like you need to take this baby so that I could go and be. Sick. I ended up with hyperemesis so I vomited my whole way through my pregnancy, barely ate. I lost 12 kilos while I was pregnant, didn't start gaining weight until about 30-4 weeks. I had all the usual discomforts I had. I can't. I can't even think what it's called now. Whatever that pelvic instability sort of. Pain is. I had sciatica. I had reflux. Like I said, I was vomiting. I just. I didn't enjoy being pregnant and I felt guilty because I was like, this is all I've ever wanted, like, ever since I was a toddler. I would talk about being a mum and yeah, it's all I ever wanted. And then he stopped moving. So I ended up being induced and. I went in the day before my birthday to be induced and. As soon as I found out my due dates, I was due a week after my birthday and I was like, I'm gonna have this baby on my birthday. They're like the induction will take two or three days. Don't even worry about it. We'll do a balloon and then probably give you some gel and then break your waters, start the hormone drop, etcetera. And I was actually studying to be a midwife at the time as well. I don't know how I had any spare time. I was working four days a week and studying and doing placements and everything while pregnant, so that was fun. So went into the induction, got there at 5:00 at night. I think they started everything by 7. So they just put the balloon in it took three, goes to get the balloon in. That was actually really, really traumatic. And it was downhill from there. I hated every moment I had done a calm birthing course, like a hypnobirthing call. I was like I said, I was studying to be a midwife. I was like, I'm gonna have the best birth and I know how to handle it and everything will be fine. The. Obstetrician when she. Was putting the balloon in just before the 3rd go, basically told me. To stop screaming and yelling. Because it was making it difficult to do her. Job so. I have the gas and just. Bit down on it as hard as I could so they could just get that balloon in and as soon as they got it in, I started having contractions. But no one believed me. Nothing was showing up on the CTG monitor. They're like, no, you're not having contractions. No one had touched me like you could feel my belly tighten. I ended up laying on the floor of the shower for two hours, just in immense pain and had Dan poking his head in and out and saying, do you need anything? I'm like, no, I'd like just go away. Like I just wanted to be on my own, and then he came in. And he's like you need. To call the. Midwife and I was like I can't. I can't and he's like. It's been 2 hours and. It's like you've got no concept of time when you're in labour, like it feels like it's been forever, but no time at all at the. Same time. So yeah, got the midwife in. They took the balloon out. They hadn't dilated at all. We're still having contractions. Then they had the clever idea of putting cervidil. In which is. So you're nodding your head like, Yep, I know what that is. But for anyone that doesn't know, it's kind of like a tampon with hormones in it to help soften and open your cervix. They put that in. And I was what they call hyperstimulated. So you're meant to have three to four contractions in 10 minutes. And I was having 7 to 8. Contractions in 10 minutes. There was no gap in between, so they're meant to rise, peak drop off and have a gap. And yeah, I didn't have that gap. It was just constant. Had that in for two hours, they took that out and I was 3 centimetres dilated. So they moved me to berths. It's called my midwife. She lived, I think, about 40 minutes from the hospital. So I was in there, midwifery group practise or caseload programme. So I had the same midwife, all my appointments and she was called in for the birth. They broke my waters while they were waiting for her to come. By the time she got there, I was then four centimetres dilated, sat up to have the epidural. By the time the epidural was in, I had an urge to push. They were like, you're not pushing, are you? And I was. Like, no, trying not to push. An hour later I was fully dilated. My epidural disconnected as I because I wanted. I'm like I'm not giving birth on my back. I don't wanna do this, so rolled over onto my knees and my epidural disconnected. My husband was the only one that noticed, but he didn't wanna scare me. Ohh, I forgot to mention my epidural numbed me from my hips to my shoulders, not the other way around. So. He took away that pain in my belly, but I still had all the pressure. And then I stopped breathing for a couple of minutes and I can remember laying there saying you need to take a breath, you need to take a breath and I can hear my mum. My mum calls me Charlie. She has since I was about two, I could hear my mum going CC. She's getting close and she's like tarot. She's shaking my shoulder and all of. A sudden I've. Gone. And then the midwife. Walk back in and she's like, is everything OK? And my mum's like, she's not breathing, so they had to, yeah, turn my epic drill down. And so it it didn't like. I still felt everything except for the actual pain in my belly from the contractions. Anyway, so yeah, maybe drill disconnected. My husband didn't wanna freak me out, so he didn't tell me. I only pushed for about 20 minutes and river was born. And I was the last person in the room that saw him because he was obviously behind me and I was on my knees over the head of the bed. I can. Remember my mum? Going look at him and I'm like I. Can't see him. And I was just waiting for them to to pass him through. I end up with a pretty significant tear. Which caused problems for months, months, months. It took them so long to to stitch me up that so I had him at Sunshine Hospital in Melbourne on my birthday 742. No. 7:53 AM. Yeah, 7:53 AM. Hendricks was born at 742 PM, 7:53 AM on my 26th birthday. I had river, so yeah, they took so long to stitch me up that Dan left sunshine. Hospital went to airport West, bought a little bottle of Jack Daniels and a can of Coke to celebrate, bought me a birthday card, got himself some breakfast, came back and they still hadn't finished. So yeah, that. This one.

Carter

So for anyone that's overseas sunshine to airport West, I think is around a 20 minute drive one way. So probably about an hour. Yeah, about an hour and they they still haven't finished stitching them up. So that's that's pretty horrible.

Tarra

Yeah. Yes. Yeah, they still hadn't seen it. Yes, they thought they were gonna have to take me to theatre to stitch me up, but I was millimetres away from what they call 1/3. Degree tear so. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I was. I was really. Happy that I didn't end up. In theatre. But.

Carter

So is that a natural tear or did you opt for the episiotomy?

Tarra

Me. No, that was a natural tear. Apparently, when the midwives tell you to stop pushing, you should stop pushing, not yell. At them and keep pushing. They sort of know what they're doing, but that foetal ejection reflex takes over and you've got very little control. And yeah, so I was just grateful that it only took 20 minutes cause I think that felt like the longest. Part of my Labour was was actually pushing him out. But yeah, he. Was really good. Adjusted, really well. Latched instantly like I was really anxious about breastfeeding, he latched instantly. Yeah, it was a dream. And I can just remember looking at him going. Yeah. You're definitely mine. Like, he is just he is a mini me. Looks exactly like me. Except he's got blonde hair and his dad's dimples.

Carter

Very good. And 2nd pregnancy easier second birth easier.

Tarra

Yes, pregnancy. I wasn't sick with Hendrix, thank God. Cause I don't know how I would have done that with a toddler. So I fell pregnant the week that river turned one, and it actually took us seven months to fall pregnant so I could have potentially only had a 14 month. That's not a 20. Gap. It was a good idea at the time we're in the. Middle of lockdowns. And I was like, what else are we going to do? We're already not sleeping, so let's have another baby. Yeah. He's pregnancy was really good until he stopped moving as well. And I was induced with him at 38 weeks. I'd actually up until 32 weeks. I had elected to have a caesarean. I didn't wanna have to go through that amount of pain again. It was from the moment they put that balloon in to about three months after river was born. I was in pain and I was like, I don't want to go through that again. I'm not labouring again. There's no bloody way. I'm having an elective caesarean. And then I had a really, really good midwife. I was just in for a check and I just asked about what their policy was for Caesareans, cause I was at a different hospital, I opted to go to Kilmore Hospital, which is really, really small. They only deliver about. I made 200 babies a year compared to Sunshine Hospital. All food I think they deliver 200 babies. A month or something like it's ridiculous.

Carter

Yeah, I think that sounds about right.

Tarra

Yeah, amount of babies. Yeah, yeah, they have.

Carter

Our first two were Sunshine Hospital.

Tarra

Yeah. So I think Sunshine Hospital have about 800 babies a year go through special care nursery, which is where I was working. I was working in the nursery at Sunshine, but I probably would have been on maternity leave. When your bus. Because one of your bugs ended up in the nursery from listening to previous podcast.

Carter

Yeah. No, he was he was transferred. Directly to royal children's.

Tarra

Ohh OK yeah.

Carter

It's it's 16 hours old. Yeah. So he. Yeah, he didn't stay in sunshine very long.

Tarra

Yeah, that's right. OK. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's a great team there. They're amazing. Yes, I was in a different hospital. Just ask the midwife what their policy is like, length of stay after caesarean. And she just asked out of curiosity why I was having a caesarean. So I explained it to her. And. And she goes, you know, that you can have an elective induction with an early epidural. And I was like. Can I so? Spoke to the obstetrician. He's like, Yep, no problem. Cancelled by Caesarea. And I ended up being in hospital for a week before I had Hendrix just cause he stopped. He just stopped moving. So I was having CTG's three times a day. I was already in early Labour, so it like, these contractions would ramp up to like 3 to 4 in 10 minutes and then just stop for about two weeks. And then yeah, after a week in hospital, they're like, look, we're just gonna induce. You gave me some. What do they? Call it. Anyway, the gel that's not on the little tampon thing. They just put some gel on your cervix and it's. A a much lower. Dose so I had some of that at about 9:00 in the morning and then they took me around to have the epidural put in at 3:00 in the afternoon. I had my mum with me. This was obviously during COVID. So you only have one. Support person Dan still has a lot of trauma around River's birth and seeing me in so much pain, so he opted to stay home with river and I was like, that's fine. I need someone that's gonna support me. I'm not gonna make you do something you don't want to do, because then you're not gonna. Be able to. Help me. So it was actually really beautiful having my mum there for both births of my boys. So Mum got to the hospital around lunchtime. We went to the birth suite at 3:00. The gaol had done absolutely nothing to my cervix. Put the epidural in and again it numbed me from my hips to my shoulders. And I couldn't breathe. So they turned the epidural down but left it. Connected broke my waters. I felt everything. I wasn't dilated at all, and having someone dig around. Essentially a crochet hook to try and break your waters with no pain relief. That was not fun, but got my waters broken. They had to turn the epidural off eventually because I like I couldn't breathe. They started the drip. I only had the drip running for half an hour because again I had no gap in my contractions, but it was a. An hour and 47 minutes from when they broke my waters to when Hendricks was. So I can't really complain. It was really empowering. I didn't have anyone touch me after they broke my waters. Whereas when I had river, it felt like every hour they were checking how dilated I was and someone was touching me and telling me what to do and not to push. And I remember saying to my midwife, I think I'm pushing. She's like, that's OK. It's your body, it's your baby, it's your birth and. It was really empowering and I can remember as soon as Hendricks was born. I have such a good photo. I threw my phone at my mum and I was like, I want you to take photos. He was actually born to the Holy Grail. I just had music playing in the background. And I have. I know, I know. I have a really cool photo. I'm shattered, that it's blurry. But it's Hendricks as he's being lifted up to me and he's just arms out reaching out for me. But I had him on my chest and my mum's, like, open your eyes. And I was like, I can't, like, I just couldn't believe, but I did it and I just kept saying I.

Carter

We want a tune.

Tarra

Did it I did it, I did it. And I remember looking at him and saying, who are you? Because he looks nothing like river. Nothing like river. He had dark hair. He didn't have dimples. He didn't have my nose. Who's so many people on my mum's side of the family river? Myself, my brother, my mum, all her aunts and uncles. We have like this crease in our in our like in our septum. And when Hendricks didn't have that. I was like, who are? You like completely different baby, but I had an. Instant connection to Hendrix, but I didn't. I didn't have with river. I had pretty bad post Natal depression with both my boys. I don't know if they class. It as postnatal.

Carter

Ohh yeah, sorry just you've you've broken up for. A second there am I. Back. Yeah, so post you had pretty bad post Natal depression with both boys.

Tarra

Yeah. So I don't know if they count it as post Natal depression or whether they say that it's an exacerbation of pre-existing depression and anxiety. I've also got complex post traumatic stress disorder. And about 18 months ago was diagnosed with borderline personality. That, but my depression got significantly worse after I had the boys. I think I I sort of feel like I had this false sense of security being that I was a neonatal nurse. I knew how to settle babies, but I knew sick babies I didn't know. Well, babies. I'm gonna go back a little bit. And just talk about the sort of first few months with with. I, like I said, breastfeeding. He latched straight away, but it was painful end up having to use Shields and I was expressing and he wouldn't take a bottle and he cluster fed for six months and I felt like I couldn't be away from him for more than an hour. I remember there was a day that I just wanted to go and get my eyebrows. Relaxed and after half an hour, my husband's calling me saying I can't get him to stop crying. So yeah, I don't think I spent more than an hour away from him in the first five months of his life. It. Yeah, it was hard. I would bend over backwards to make sure that he was happy and healthy and thriving, and that he was OK, but I didn't have that attachment and I liked showing him off because he was a cute baby and I was like, look at my cute baby. But. I yeah, I just didn't have. I didn't have that connection and I didn't understand when people said that you'd see your baby and you'd fall in love with them instantly. And after, like, 6-7 months. I'm like, when am I, like, when am I gonna feel this? And I was. I was proud of him. He was. Always really advanced. He was an early roller and then an early crawler and he was furniture walking by seven months like I would like it. It's hard to explain because I was proud of him and I loved him, but I wasn't enjoying being a mum. I spent, I think 6 months in total on my own during the lockdown. Whenever we went into a harsh lockdown, Dan seemed to be away at work and he was working in SA at the time, so they had really strict border control. And yeah, so there was two lots of three month periods where he was.

Carter

And he wasn't able.

Tarra

To get back. Yeah. Yeah. And my mum lived an hour and a half away and I had to get a letter from a doctor just to say that she's. Coming to help me for my mental health and. I can remember when river was about five months old. He just he didn't. Sleep and I can remember thinking, how long would I need to hold a pillow over his face just so that he would pass out and not die? I was like, I don't want to hurt him. I just need him to stop crying and I just need him to go to sleep and I need to sleep. And we ended up going to sleep school conveniently a week before or three days. Before the 1st. COVID lockdown and that changed my life. He went from sleeping in 40 minute periods to three hour blocks and would actually sleep during the day in his cot, and that was a massive game changer. I found a really good GP. I was put on medication. I found a psychologist and so it took 15 years for me to actually agree to take medication, and it changed my life. Absolutely changed my life. I can remember within two weeks of taking that medication, feeling that attachment to a river and be like this is what it was. Supposed to be like. This is what it's supposed to feel like.

Carter

Just sound, it sounds like you were just you've you've just been living for so long in this, like, emotional complete. Burnout that, yeah, you'd adjusted to living that way. And and you know, that's a really, really dark place to exist. I've been. I've been there. Especially with those first few months and the intrusive thoughts. Yeah, come along with the sleep depression and sleep. Sleep deprivation. Sorry. And and the depression.

Tarra

Yeah. And the.

Carter

And everything you know and and everything just compounds itself. You know you have those thoughts and then you think I'm a ******* terrible person for having these thoughts. And I all I can say is I'm glad that you're you're in a a different place now in a. Better place and you didn't follow through with any of those thoughts. Otherwise we probably wouldn't be talking today. But you know we've talked about it on previous episodes about, you know, the empathy that that I feel and a lot of other mums and dads would feel for.

Tarra

No, no.

Carter

For parents who are unfortunately act on some of those things. You know, it's it's not a good thing to happen, but when you're in the trenches as as absolutely you, just a shell of yourself, you can certainly understand how it can happen. So we'll we'll just we'll. Go back in time a little bit. You did mention that you've got some complex PTSD and that was stemming from. Your teenager is correct.

Tarra

Actually from younger I have repressed memories and only bits and pieces of being assaulted when I was maybe five. It was a once. Off incident I had no memory of it until I was about 21 and I was driving one day and it smacked me in the face and I was like, ohh ****. That's what happened. I haven't unpacked that particular trauma with my psychologist yet, so I'm not gonna touch anymore on on that. But then when I was 15, I so I grew up in a really, really small. Now, and my family founded the town and they've lived there forever. Population of 1500 people. Everyone knew everyone, and yeah, I was 15. My parents went away fishing for the day over at Beautiful Lake Eldon, so they were about an hour away and mum had left me money to go down the street and buy myself something for lunch. And it was a kilometre straight line walk from my house. To the supermarket. And like I said, everyone knew everyone in the town really, really safe town, low crime rates. So I walked to the Super. Mark it and I thought I'm gonna cook myself lunch. I'm not gonna buy takeaway. I think Mum just expected me to go and get a hamburger or something. But I was like, no. Really wanna cook a chicken parm? So got everything for that. Was walking home and the street that I would walk along was parallel to the main road. But you wouldn't know it was there unless you knew. It was there. So I was walking along there and a bus like a mini bus drove past and it was like one of those higher buses. And I still can't remember the company that was written on it drove past me. Did a U turn and pulled like, drove past me again and pulled up into a car park of a tennis court. And a guy got out of the bus, had a backpack in his hand and walked to the entrance gate of the tennis court and walked in and I couldn't see. And there was this big, massive 100 odd year old gum tree that he was standing behind, and I was listening to good feeling by Black Eyed Peas on my iPod. Still can't listen. That song and I walked. I moved so that I was on the opposite side of the road. And there's just a Creek on that side. There's nothing on that side of the road. And I remember looking just out of curiosity to see where this guy had gone because there was no tennis or anything on that day. And I was like, why is anyone going to the tennis courts? And he was standing there ************ and slowly walking. Towards me. So I turned the volume up on my iPod like it was middle of winter, freezing colds. I had my hand, my hands in my pocket and. It was those. What do you call like an iPod? Nano so you. Swivel your thumb around. Turn the volume up. So I remember I turned the volume up and then he yelled out something and I thought, well, that was a stupid idea. Because if he yelled something, I can't. Hear it? So I turned it off and I just went into flight or flight mode and I don't know if it's just because I've had a true crime obsession since I was about 13 that I thought the worst I was like, oh, my God, I need to be safe here. Luckily, I was only about 100 metres from my house and our house was at the end of the T intersection of the road that I was walking. Down, he started following me and walking quicker, so I ran. I just ran home, locked the door. Or and then sat at the lounge room, looking through the curtains, trying to see where this guy had gone. I couldn't see him. I have no idea where he went, but I obviously didn't want him to know that I was home alone. Thankfully, Mum's car was in in the carport, so. It didn't look like. I was home alone. I didn't think it was urgent, so I tried to call the local police station and being a small town, there was obviously no one there, didn't call 000 and I sat on the lounging floor until my parents got home at 5:00 at night. And this. Happened at 12. Dad obviously called the police. They came around. They never found the guy. They have no reports of it happening anywhere else. I still have moments where I think what was in that backpack and I have to stop myself thinking about it because I have no idea. The particular part of the road where I was walking there was no houses, there was a Creek on one side, a tennis court and the guide hall on the other side. And just try. He's yeah, the the true crime buff in me thinks I could have just ended up killed there. But yeah, try not to think that. Or. Yeah, it's hard not to wonder. Yeah.

Carter

Yeah, definitely. Thank you for sharing. It's it must be a a hard thing to kind of talk about the true crime buff in me really thought that that was going to be a lot. Worse, you're not not minimising. The horrible experience that you went through in any way, shape or form, but I'm glad that you were able to get to safety without anything further escalating.

Tarra

I think the what ifs are worse than what actually happened. Like it. Yeah, it's really hard. Not to think about the. What ifs and what if I wasn't so close to? Home and. What if he caught up to me? What if I had nowhere to go? Like. Yeah, it's hard to think of.

Carter

Yeah, it's, it's. It's horrible to think of of how many of those types of things happen, you know, daily around around Australia, around the world, you know, and then the amount of things that don't get reported because a lot of people would just be like, what's the point? They're not going to catch. Him nothing will change. I don't want to be seen as a liar. I don't want to be seen as this and that I don't want to feel like a victim. So you just kind of carry on and continue and try to forget, but then you know, you're still left with those scars and you still left picking up those pieces and.

Tarra

Yeah, exactly.

Carter

You know something? A lot of people will kind of listen to this, to that story and think, well, you know, thank God she wasn't raped or worse, but that's somehow minimising the fact that just. You know, being *********** and followed or *********** at and followed is. Is a horrible thing in itself, so yeah, obviously you've, you know, stranger to mental health circumstances and then, you know, kind of going into your adult life and having babies, and then all of that kind of coming to a head, you're now on your medication. And in you started therapy.

Tarra

Is that right? Yeah. Yep. So, I mean, the psychologist I was saying wasn't great. It was the middle of COVID, and it was all video appointments. And she just kept trying to make Dan out to be a problem. She tried to convince me that I was in an abusive relationship. And I was like, that's not like, it's not what's going on. And, you know, I mentioned that I listened to podcasts all the time. Time and so she recommended a few podcasts to me, and they were about domestic violence. And it's like she was trying to convince me that I was in this emotionally. Abusive relationship and. She got into my head a little bit and then I was like, that's that's not what's going on. If anything, I'm the ******* like ohh. I'm the bad person. Not my husband. Like he bends over backwards to make sure that we're all happy and that we're all OK and he sacrifices a lot to to work away. And so once no. So I stopped seeing her, fell pregnant with. Jokes went on like everything was OK. I can remember reaching out to my GP when Hendrix was a couple of months old and saying, you know, I'm. I'm struggling. I mentioned it to the maternal child health nurse. She sent me to a councillor. The Council was too busy cooing at my baby rather than actually listening to what I was saying, tried to put on this brave face. Dan lost his job. I was on unpaid maternity leave. And Dan got a local job and in three months earned what he used to earn in two weeks. And it was it was really hard. And then I fell apart and I ended up in a parent infant mental health unit when Hendrix, well, we went to. Sleep school first. Because I thought if my boys just sleep because Hendricks River still wasn't sleeping, Hendricks slept great during the day, but overnight. Was up every hour. Couldn't settle in. I only breastfeed Hendricks for three weeks, and then he was on formula and they say formula fed babies sleep better and that's absolute ********. I can attest to that. But it doesn't matter how you feed your baby if they're not gonna sleep, they're. Not gonna. Sleep, sleep, School did nothing to help Hendrix. He also had allergies. Both boys have had multiple hospital admissions and. Asthma and bronchitis and croup and COVID and. All sorts of fun. Things, but yeah, I thought if I get on top of the sleep I'll be OK. And then, yeah, two weeks after we went to sleep school, I ended up in a parent infant mental health unit for a month.

Carter

Can you explain a little bit more about what that is to anyone that wouldn't know?

Tarra

Yeah. So they are heaven on earth. They are absolutely amazing. I ended up in one in Bendigo which for people that don't know, it's a rural city. Their parent, infant mental Health Unit is only 5 beds. They tell you not to make friends there. But how can you not when you're stuck in there with five other women or with babies under 12 months old? The lady who was in the room next to me, our babies were only two weeks apart. It was her first baby, my second baby. But we were also the only ones in there that were married. The other three mums were single mums and their babies were either newborns or nearly one. So this other lady and I got really close the first two nights that I was there, they took Hendrix. They gave me sleeping. Tablets. They did everything for him overnight and. It was bliss. They changed my medication. We did lots of group therapies. We did yoga. I ended up doing yoga every day that I was there after the first week we'd just put on yoga with Adrian on YouTube. Highly recommend her and the nurses would take our babies for half an hour and we'd go and do yoga every day. I saw an exercise physiologist, so she helped me workout just some body weight exercises that I can do and she helped me set goals she wanted me to set one fitness goal and. Non fitness goals so my non fitness goal was to learn how to crochet and I thought it's never gonna happen and now that's that's my down time is every night. I crochet for an hour once my kids have gone to bed and I've made three blankets in the. Last six weeks. That's I'm a little bit addicted now. But it was really nice talking to. Mums that were in the same position going through the same things. I mean, we were all in there for different reasons. There was even one mum in there who was pregnant. She hadn't even had her baby yet. But just to know that you're not alone. I think that was that was the biggest. The biggest help and not having to worry about anything other than me and my baby for that month that I was in there river was with my mum for two weeks and then with Dan for two weeks and they'd come and visit. So we were allowed an hour off the ward a day and there was a little cafe. On the hospital grounds. So I would go and sit down at the cafe for an hour or we'd go and have a picnic and. So I still got to see River. I think I was seeing him twice a week while I was in there and facetiming him every day, but it definitely helped came out with this new lease on life and I was like, alright, I feel stable enough to go back. To work and. So I got a job teaching nursing something completely left field that I'd never done before. And the unfortunately, the college that I got the job for, it's just a small college. They were horrible to work for. I found out they were actually being investigated by Air Max. So the Australian Nursing Midwifery Advisory Council, because things weren't up to scratch and. So I left there. It broke me. I was driving into the city four days a week and having panic attacks on the way home, and I wasn't sleeping. And so I quit my job and two weeks later I ended up in the adult acute mental health unit for a month. Very, very different to the parent. Infant unit is very scary walking in there. Thankfully, they had a ladies wing and I think I spent three nights in just the general area because I was high risk. I was there because I was suicidal. They moved me to the ladies wing. I went in going OK. I'm not going to make friends here like it's going to. Be very different and I. Have a new best friend that I met in the unit and her and I try and catch up at least once a month and we live an hour and a half apart. But yeah, we try and catch up there. And it was actually really good. I learned a lot about trauma bonding. And when you're in a ward like that, there's like nothing's off limits and you spend hours sitting there just talking to other people. And sometimes that's more therapeutic than the 20 minutes. Once a week, you get with a psychiatrist in there. But I. I'm not doing ECT while I was in there, so Electro electroconvulsive therapy. So if anyone doesn't know what that is, they basically knock you out and induce A seizure cause they found that after epileptics have seizures, they feel a bit better mentally. For a little. While so I had no. Been coming or there was 9 or 12? I think I had nine sessions of of ECT. Changed my medications. I then got moved to their sub acute unit so it's basically just a block of flat. You've got staff there 24/7 but it's just so that you can get back on your feet and be a bit more independent. There you do your own medications and everything like that while you're there. So I was there for a week and then got to go home and I've been a completely different person since then. It was hard because I was only allowed 20 minutes once a week. To see visitors so. Yeah, I was there for four weeks and I spent an hour in total with my kids.

Carter

Yeah, well and how how? Long ago was that sorry.

Tarra

That was September last year.

Carter

OK so still pretty fresh. Yeah. Well, what? A what? An absolute. Journey you have been on. It's it's definite. The hardest, the hardest story I've heard to date in the short life of this podcast. So.

Tarra

And then there's still trauma I haven't mentioned.

Carter

Well, we only we only have a a a certain amount of time. So we might have. To do a part Part 2 on that one.

Tarra

No, that's fine. I'll, I'll keep it relevant to parenting.

Carter

We'll. Yeah, we'll, we'll. We'll move on to current life. You said that you know you're you've come out a completely different person. You've discovered a love for crocheting, which is an amazing form of self care and I'm sure it's something that is very fulfilling to you to. Have something tangible in your hands that you have created yourself from nothing. I think that in itself is incredibly fulfilling and soul soothing. So what are your current self care tips, tricks, routines? What do you do day to day to make sure you stay in the light and don't end up back in that little dark? Place that you are. You have a bit too much experience in.

Tarra

Yeah. So routine is a big thing for me. I'm in the process of trying to get a diagnosis for ADHD as well, just on top of everything else I have going on. But I I need routine. My kids thrive off routine at the same time, I'm getting a diagnosis of ADHD and a sensory processing disorder for river. So we're going through the motions together. But yeah, he thrives off off routine. Whether Dan's home or not. That dinner, bath, bed routine does not change. Yeah, that's a big thing. Try and get my kids in bed asleep by 7:30, which most of the time works. And then I turn into an old lady. I make myself a cuppa. I stopped drinking just before I went into hospital the last time, and I think I've had maybe 4 alcoholic drinks. Since then, and they just make me feel. Thick so I used to sit down with a glass of wine or a vodka, and that was my unwind. But now it's a cup of tea or a mineral water and I crochet and I binge watch whatever show I'm addicted. To at the time.

Carter

What are you watching at the moment?

Tarra

I'm watching ball. Yeah, but it's.

Carter

Bull. I've heard good things. My wife keeps telling me. I have to watch it.

Tarra

Yeah, yeah, it's actually, it's really, really good. I love all. No sort of legal crime show. So before that, I binge watched law and order SV.

Carter

U geez, that's a lengthy binge.

Tarra

Ohh yeah yeah I I think it took me maybe three weeks to watch it.

Carter

All, isn't it? Like 23 seasons or something. Yeah. Wow. Wow, you deserve it. And you deserve an award for that. That's. A quality binge.

Tarra

Well, there was. Many a nights where I should have gone to bed at 9:00 and I was up until like 1:00 in the morning, crocheting and watching SU. So it wasn't a healthy binge.

Carter

Well, I guess you do have a lot of time just kind of on your own after the kids go to bed with, with Dan being FIFO. Yeah, that's fly in, fly out mining for anyone who isn't aware us Aussies like to sure many everything as much as we possibly can. Yeah. Yeah. So you got the crocheting your little Nana now and you like your cup of tea.

Tarra

Shorten everything.

Carter

I think that's that's great. You know, the the alcoholic beverages and and whatnot a a really good short term for unwinding and a little bit of like a. Just being a bit naughty, you know, being a bit naughty and and having fun. With it. But. That can really, really quickly turn turn into a negative in itself. So I'm glad that I'm glad that you've you've found your little niche in crocheting and cup of teas and your legal shows. Is there anything that you would like to add? Or tell our listeners in regards to your your very very colourful history and if anyone is going through anything similar, what would be your advice? To them.

Tarra

Ask the help. It's it took me a very, very, very long time to ask for help even after I was followed home when I was 15, I was offered free counselling. I was like, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine. Put on this brave face and had to show people that I was tough and and that I was resilient. And I even got a tattoo that says resilience. And I I wasn't being resilient. I thought that I was a bad mum because I was. Link ask for help. Ask for help. There is help there. I got to the point where anyone would offer me anything and I'd say no. And now I think people are shocked because like my mother-in-law she be like oh, do you want do you want me to just come and take river for a couple of hours and normally I'd be like. No, no, no, it's OK. And now I'm like, yeah, sure. And. Little things like we, I mean, we just moved house two months ago. So we we don't actually have a lawn anymore. But the house we were in had quite a big backyard and my mother in law and say to me, do you want me to just come around and mow your lawns? And I'm like, Yep, sure. Or come and mow my lawns or my Nana would come and visit and be like ohh. Just fold your washing and I'm like OK, where's normally I'm like, no, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. And I'm like, you know what if someone offers to help, they want to help except the help that's there you're not. A bad. Parent because you need help. I had what I affectionately called Mount Fold more. On my spare beds. And it was like a a metre high. By of clean washing that needs to be folded on my spare bed and just looking at it, I was like I can't get through that and my nan came over one day just to spend time with us and she's like, why don't we go and fold? You're watching so her and I sat there and within an hour all. The washing was folded and. Ask for help. Ask for help. Ask the help. Accept the help. That's that's my biggest thing and. I remember saying to my psychologist that I thought I was a bad mum and then she turned around and said so. You're calling me a bad mum because I asked the help as well and I was like, no, no, no. You're not a bad mum. So. So why are you a bad mum? Because you need help. And that was a massive eye opener that I don't think any of my friends are bad mums because they asked for help and it it's really hard to judge yourself, but nobody else is gonna be as critical of you as you. Are so.

Carter

Yeah. And that's a trauma response. You know, that's that the it's masking yourself as resilient and prideful and able to take the whole world on by yourself. It's a trauma response. You are too scared to ask for help because of your past. And you don't want people's view of you to change. So it's it's it's it's so hard every. Taking that first step and accepting help. Or asking for help, especially when given. Histories such as yours and many, many other people out there who have that trauma response to bottle up and just, you know, be strong. It's it's one of the most terrifying steps that anyone can take to be like, I'm not doing OK. And I need. Help, but I really, really urge anyone listening to dig. As deep as they possibly can, and just just take that leap and I promise you that everything will be OK and no one's going to. Think that your ***** or or any sort of thing if you ask for help. We're all humans at the end of the day and we all have needs and we all have the, you know, we have the same emotions, but we feel them all differently. So even after you had the horrible experiences with the first couple of councillors post natally. You've got your current therapist now, and that's a better relationship. I'm guessing you get along a lot better with them.

Tarra

Yeah, yeah. Get on really well with her. She's actually going on maternity leave next month, so I've only got one session. Left with her before she goes on maternity. Leave and then. Next month I also start seeing a new psychologist, so I do what's called dialectical behaviour therapy. A lot of people do cognitive behavioural therapy, but especially with the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, the CBT just doesn't work. CT is all about. Like challenging your thoughts like. I think that that that's not true and with with borderline personality disorder, you just can't do that. So dialectical behaviour therapy is about changing your response to the thoughts and sort of making things a bit more rational. So rather than challenging your thoughts, acknowledging that, yes, it's just a thought. And how would a rational mind react? In yeah, the best way that I can describe it. So I was really lucky to find a psychologist in the town that I've just moved to. So it's only 5 minutes down the road. She does dialectical behaviour therapy and she had availability. So I've recently gone from 2 weekly appointments to four weekly appointments, which felt like a massive achievement. It was a big relief when my psychologist said to me, you don't need to see me every two weeks now. It was getting very expensive, paying $180 every two weeks and you only get about $80.00 of that back from Medicare. So it adds up and medications on top and yeah. So I'm just hoping that I have the same rapport with this new psychologist as what? I do with. My current one and my current psychologist. I just I crocheted her blanket so it. Was really exciting.

Carter

Very good. Well, if you don't, if you find that you don't have any sort of bond with the new psychologist, reach out to me. I had a amazing guest on a psychotherapist based in Romsey by the name of Mark. He is great. He has he reached out to me a few months ago after discovering the podcast and we've been really close mates ever. Since he has lived experience, he has a lot of training. He does a lot of a new A, a more new kind of style of psychotherapy called rapid eye movement therapy.

Tarra

Yeah. Good.

Carter

Yeah. Emdr. So he tells me that there's a lot of people that are trained in it that don't do it correctly. And he tells me that he does it 100% correctly. And he has an extremely great success rate with that. As far as, you know, getting to the root cause of trauma and being able to rip it out. At the roots. So reach out to me and I'm more than happy to to shoot you through his. Details. So before we wrap up, is there anything else that? You would like to add.

Tarra

I don't think. So just ask for help, except for help. And there, there's a reason you're still here. And just because you're having a bad day doesn't mean that you're having. You're going to have a bad life one day at a time.

Carter

100% correct. I think that is probably the most important thing to take away from this entire podcast is, you know, everything ebbs and flows and. The timeline that you're on today might not be the same timeline that you're on tomorrow. You know, everything can change very quickly or very slowly, but it's it's just a matter of persevering, taking a breath, smelling the roses, trying to find a little bit of enjoyment in in anything you're doing in on any given day, and just keep your ask for help and keep up as much. Self care, positive self care as you possibly can. Thank you so much for your time today, Tara. I really appreciate it and thank you for your honesty and your vulnerability and sharing some, some pretty horrific things that have happened to you. I really appreciate it. I'm sure that the listeners out there will really appreciate it as well.

Tarra

No, thank you. I'm an open book and if anyone wants to reach out for me, reach out to me. I'm pretty easy to find. Just. Yeah. Instagram message. Me. I'm happy to talk to anybody.

Carter

Thank you very much for your time and have a great day.

Tarra

Thank you.