Healthy family, happy family - A traumatic past turns into a positive present through self care and healing.

On this episode of the Touched Out Podcast episode Fiona and I discuss various aspects of parenting, shedding light on the impact of emotional burnout and the significance of self-care not just for the individual but also for everyone around them. Fiona opens up about her personal journey, sharing her diagnoses of OSDD, complex PTSD, and disordered eating, which stem from past traumas and greatly affect her daily life.

Other topics discussed include:

• Unlearning negative parenting patterns from Fiona's upbringing
• The misconceptions surrounding gentle parenting
• Fiona's decision to go no contact with her family
• Breaking the cycle of negative behaviors in parenting
• Modeling self-regulation and owning mistakes for children
• Embracing diverse family dynamics and avoiding comparisons
• The importance of open communication and non-judgment in the parenting community
• External influences: Internet, media, and their impact on raising children
• Balancing work, parenting, self-care, and relationships
• Fiona's conflicting feelings of loving her son but struggling with motherhood
• Carter's emotional reflection on holding his daughter for the first time
• Fostering bodily autonomy from a young age for children's empowerment
• Transforming a traumatic past into a positive present through self-care and healing.

Head to the podcast Instagram and hit the bio link to sign up for preorder today.

Transcript

Trigger warning. The following podcast contains explicit language and discussions of sensitive topics that some listeners may find distressing, including miscarriage, child abuse, mental health issues and birth trauma.

00:00:11

Listener discretion is advised if you feel triggered or overwhelmed at any point, we encourage you to pause the episode and take care of.

00:00:18

Yourself, g'day guys, welcome to.

00:00:20

A new episode of the Touched Out Podcast.

00:00:23

On today's episode, I have Fiona, Fiona, and I discussed various aspects of parenting, shedding light on the impact of emotional burnout and the significance of self care not just on the individual, but for everyone around them.

00:00:35

Fiona opens up about her personal journey, sharing her diagnosis of OSD complex, PTSD and disordered eating, which stem from past traumas.

00:00:43

And greatly affected her daily life. Other topics discussed today include unlearning negative parenting patterns from Fiona's upbringing, the misconceptions surrounding gentle parenting, Fiona's decision to go no contact with their family, and fostering bodily autonomy from a young age for children's empower.

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And I hope you enjoyed today's episode.

00:01:02

And if you did.

00:01:03

Please consider subscribing and leaving a rating as well as following us on socials at Touched Out Podcast for sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and more thanks all.

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No lies spins up, so take everything from everything.

00:01:44

OK, so we have Fiona today.

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From Portland, OR.

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36 years old with 118 month old boy Jacqueline.

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Ripper, thank you.

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So much for joining us. Declan. What?

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A cool name. Thank you.

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Joining us start off with telling us a little bit about you a little.

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Bit about your.

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Family a little bit about your past.

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So that sit down and.

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Buckle up. Let's start with the fact that.

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I am pretty open and share on my Instagram a lot that I am an adopted person.

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I am the first person in four generations that I.

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Can track to.

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Keep my biological child and will be.

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In them, my biological was murdered about a year after my birth. I was adopted. Unfortunately, it was not a happy or successful adoption.

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There was a lot of abuse immediately and within the surrounding family, so I am no contact. So when I say I am truly raising my child alone we it's my, it's my spouse and I.

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And that's it.

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That's it. And how long have you and your?

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Spouse been together? Where you.

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We met in 2010, got married in 2013. So wow, we're we're getting up on 10 years together this October. Awesome.

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Congratulations for that. 10 years is a big milestone, isn't it?

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And you know, we haven't killed each.

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Damn it.

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Yeah, well, hopefully that.

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Doesn't happen. I don't wanna have to start a new podcast about murder. To have you on.

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So your son Declan is 18 months. Run me through a little bit about the pregnancy, a little bit about your mental health leading up to getting pregnant. Was it a decision? Was it an oopsie?

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Yeah. So to start to my husband is.

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What we would call a normal human being.

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I am not. I fall under the neurodiversity umbrella. As someone who's OSD, which is I basically am a step above complex post traumatic disorder and a step below DID so. I have mass personalities that will take over in stressful situations, but I know who I am and what is going on.

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It's just a gradient so that.

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Of course, makes things a little bit complex. I was very therapied going into having a child. It was a decision we didn't take lightly.

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We take it both very seriously cause.

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We both come from abuse background.

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So we both knew.

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If we were going to do this, it was going to be, you know, for the.

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Betterment of another human being.

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And not for.

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Any other reason? Definitely my pregnancy.

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Brilliant. I had an absolutely fantastic pregnancy and delivery. I can't talk enough about it. Medicated, easy. Nature took its course and that was all.

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Fine and dandy.

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The difficulty for me came about seven months after I delivered my son. I had late onset postpartum, which I didn't know could happen, let alone I wasn't prepared to just wake up.

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And they say ohh I am not OK during this time my husband had just finally stopped sailing. So from the ages of three months to about nine months, I had my son alone. A full 30 days at a time. And my husband was completely offshore.

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OK, Navy.

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Uh, no, he.

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Was a merchant marine so it's a non.

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Military sailor.

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OK.

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He since then has taken a job land wise just because since the birth of our son, we.

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Decided that that schedule.

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Was completely unmanageable and undoable as well as.

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We we'd rather make less money and.

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Be a family.

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Yeah, definitely. Ohh, it's great you have that that supporting your partner to realise that.

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Oh, he's he's absolutely brilliant. I can't give Trevor a shout out enough that he is an.

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Equal partner and.

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An equal parent in.

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The situation he's just very camera shy.

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That's why he's not here. That's.

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OK, we'll get him.

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Me one day. So can you tell us more about your journey as a career stay at home, mum and how it led you to starting your own business?

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I'll let you do a.

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Little plug as well.

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Yeah, I'll thank you. So before before parenthood.

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I actually used to work in financial assistance enrollment, social work for American Medical system. So if you were uninsured.

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To the hospital, you got to speak to me. Many, many years of this caused a lot of burnout. I left due to burnout, then went to take a dream job with the state that was then defunded and COVID hit and I found myself unemployed. And then.

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During that time, we were already trying for a child. I ended up pregnant during COVID and I delivered in September of 2021.

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During most of my pregnancy, there wasn't a vaccine I was living with my brother who was either waiting for kidney or had received one, depending on what time of the year it was. And so I basically gave up any chance or want of a career.

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For my, for the safety and health of my pregnancy, basically because there's so many unknowns after he was born, I continued not to work, and now that he's almost two, we're at that weird crossroads.

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Where we are.

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Daycare is so unaffordable, I basically work for nothing, but I won't lie, I am not completely happy nor rich enough to want to necessarily be at home full time.

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And what is your?

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Business my business is I make.

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Candles, wax melts, candle holders, clay artwork and jars. It's never say, never creations and it is my little side quest it started.

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It's a little bit about the money, but honestly it started to give me another identity and just.

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Really a a hobby outside of.

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Parenthood household in in marriage to just kind of, you know, lose myself in.

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Yeah, be yourself and express yourself. I think that's incredibly important, not only to to oneself identity, but also just just to kind.

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Of get by the day to day.

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My fellow moms.

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Don't do it enough. Especially my neurodivergent moms. We we already have the cards stacked against us.

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To keep you.

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Ourselves collected and be the kind of parents.

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We want to be.

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And if we don't?

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Take care of.

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Ourselves, we absolutely cannot achieve what we want as parents.

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Yeah, certainly. Especially speaking as someone who also is neurotic virgin, it's it's incredibly easy to become burnt out of everyday life.

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But not only become burned out of it, but find comfort and solace in it, and let it just completely envelope you and and just purely exist in it, and you end up existing for.

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Or your surroundings instead of for yourself. And you definitely lose your identity in it.

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I think this stereotypical naggy angry, resenting mom that comes out is not only because of sexism and finances and and things well intersectional that it also comes from when you are just so touched out and burnt out and empty. You have nothing but negativity.

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They give.

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So sometimes these moms, I look at them in the park and they're so uptight and so upset, and they're not having a good time.

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And I just want to walk over and say when's the last time you took a bath? You went out to lunch without your kids because maybe y'all would have.

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A better time for it?

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Yeah, self care is is so incredibly important and this podcast not only is about my guests and and how they're feeling and their experiences, but this is very much self care thing for me. I'm not a very in person social.

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Type of person I work night shift. I don't get to see many people outside of my direct household. You know, I have like 1 best friend who lives 10 hours away who I see like once or twice a year.

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So outside of social media and you know my direct household and the few people I see at work on a 12 hour shift, I don't have anything. So yeah, this.

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Podcast was was.

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Just as much about my own self care as it is about letting you guys share your journeys and open up and tell your stories.

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I was ready for the isolation. Were you ready for the isolation of parenthood?

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I mean, yes and no. I I mean prior to.

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That we, my wife and I did go out a lot. We were a lot more social, but it wasn't in a healthy way.

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It wasn't in a self care way it.

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Was. I wouldn't say it was destructive, but it maybe was leaning towards that a.

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Little bit more than I should have.

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Yeah, it's not benefiting you anymore.

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Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, post parenthood, I love being a father. It is my #1 priority. Apart from being a husband, like, I've devoted my life to making sure our children are raised to be better versions of us, not just carbon copies of us. I try my hardest to be a present, caring and loving husband.

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And I.

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I am extremely grateful and proud to wear those badges and, you know, be be the person that my family needs.

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But yeah, this podcast is just just just kind of a little bit for me and and ensuring that it's a little bit for my guests as.

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Well, so we'll go back.

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To your mental health diagnosis.

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A little bit because you did use some vernacular.

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That may not be.

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Be known to other listeners so you said. Can you go through a little bit more in depth about your diagnosis just so everyone's on the same page?

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Yeah, so OSD, let's make sure I get my own alphabet correct. Otherwise specified dissociative disorders. So it basically means that for trauma disorders like mine, there is a spectrum to how separated from reality. You both can get and.

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Both did get during your traumatic experiences. Mine started very, very early and didn't end until.

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Early adulthood, so all those.

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Experiences led me to have the ability to deep.

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Personalise so I can detach literally from my reality. I can also disassociate, as most people are more familiar with, that you know more of that maladaptive daydreaming, or disassociating into reality.

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And for me, I will mask. So the person that takes over will continue throughout my day and help me function, but I am.

00:10:57

In a kind of an amnesia state.

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And it's not all the way me. So that's why sometimes embarrassing things happen. Like when I go to the dog park and a woman will approach me very excited.

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They talk to me like we're close friends, but in reality I don't remember the last time we spoke because I was mostly disassociated and the mask she spoke to was being friendly and didn't record the conversation.

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So it's very.

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Much an autopilot kind of thing.

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Yes, and I found in parenthood that.

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Mostly leads to struggles.

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With staying in the moment, staying present.

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And not letting the overwhelming things that are always to do in adulthood.

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Crush my parenthood experience.

00:11:35

All right, so.

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We had a little bit of a.

00:11:38

Technical issue, but we are back. We were discussing your diagnosis and you were giving a little bit more of a rundown. So you had just discussed was OCD.

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Day OS day day. Yep.

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OSDI think it cut.

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Me off where I was talking about. For me the difficulty of that diagnosis and the trauma passed with my parenting is staying grounded and focused in the moment.

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That's already hard as adults, but it's especially hard when you have a neuro diverted barrier. And then also I have to work very, very hard.

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To ensure that the anxieties and stresses of being adult don't just crush my parenthood experience, because if I allow.

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It to it, it is very easy to get so caught in here.

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That I don't.

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Properly take care.

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Of or enjoy.

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Wait my life outside.

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Of it. Yeah, yeah. Certainly. And your other diagnosis?

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I also have complex PTSD and I also have disordered eating as well, which kind of goes hand in hand with the trauma diagnosis, but the main one is the otherwise specified disease.

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Should the disorder and it.

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A long time my symptom.

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Overlap. I tend to attract a lot of friends and relate well to autistic.

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ADD ADHD borderline. A lot of those nerd divided communities again with the strong trauma connection as well as just symptom overlap. I find a lot of.

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Those type of parents and communities.

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We all tend to have a lot of enough in.

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Common and overlap, but there's a lot of solace there. So if you're listening to this and you are part of the Neurodivergent community, there's a.

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Huge community out there, especially on Instagram.

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Reddit, you mean just look around whatever platform you like and don't be shy to look outside of your diagnosis.

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You will find that.

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There are tips and tricks.

00:13:25

For everyone, no matter where you fall on.

00:13:27

The umbrella.

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Yeah, 100%. I've I've found a lot of great communities recently, just like since kind of starting this podcast.

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And you know, putting the feelers out for guests and.

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Things like that.

00:13:38

That that are, are, are really really great tools, so you know the Internet.

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Although it is often used for negativity and yucky things, it's it's certainly is an amazing tool for seeking help or finding communities that are like yourself or you know, like your children, things like that. So in your form you had mentioned that your husband and yourself practised gentle.

00:14:02

Parenting and you're focused on breaking cycle.

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Yes. Can you talk more about your parenting philosophies and how it differs from traditional parenting so?

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So I use the term gentle parentage in a very general term, we tend to cherry pick a lot of just what we like and take what we don't from a lot of different parenting practises.

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But it tends to fall under that authoritative, gentle umbrella. So we believe in there is no physical discipline.

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For our child, we do not spank. We do use even at this young of age, we do use calming techniques or having him kind of let him get space and sit down and calm down when he gets older.

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We'll use like time out space.

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To mean more of taking a break to.

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Regulate then a punishment sense. We believe in our child's autonomy so.

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Things such as he's not.

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Circumcised both because of that autonomy and.

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Along with other reasons, we won't.

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Cut his hair other than to keep.

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It clean you.

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Know it, it sounds so radical. When?

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I listed it.

00:14:59

Out that way, but it just basically means from the very beginning, my child is an autonomous human being.

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That other than the.

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The limits imposed by his age for safety that is recognised and respected, we redirect and correct. We use positive and.

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You know, affirming.

00:15:14

Encouragement to the best of our abilities. Do we lose our ****? Do we make mistakes? Absolutely. Absolutely.

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We said we weren't.

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You smirk because.

00:15:23

Yeah, I'm living. I'm living in.

00:15:24

You know.

00:15:24

It mate.

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I would never ever consider myself a gentle parent, so it's really, really nice to hear you list those things out, because I do all of those things.

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But you know, as as far as gentle parenting and and the vast.

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Majority of people.

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Who stay. They are gentle parents, is what we see posted online in you know.

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Curated Tik, Toks and things.

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Like that. So I I never.

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Associated my parenting techniques with gentle parenting because I also lose my ****. But I think that there is an incredibly important distinction to make between losing your **** and then not owning that post.

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You know, if I lose my **** with my children, I am sure I have space to calm myself and regulate.

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Myself and then I will come to them or have them come to me and I'll sit them down and I'll explain to them the reasons why what happened.

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That caused it.

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And then apologised to them and make sure that they understand.

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That you know, Daddy is very, very sorry. I should not have yelled. But after asking you 10 times to pick up this toy and then Daddy stepping on this toy and hurting his foot sent me a little over the edge.

00:16:30

So I I mean, I yeah, as I said, I would have never called myself a gentle parent, but we have like a motion charts up and and my son who is a ASD.

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Is in meltdown or overstimulated or anything like that. We have a weighted blanket for him. We'll turn off the lights.

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He'll lay on me, he'll cuddle with me. He'll be silent. He'll have his weighted blanket or his riff Raff, which is.

00:16:53

An amazing little toy that all three of my kids have. They have. It's just like a little comforter with different animal heads on them and they have, like, ohh, they're absolutely incredible.

00:16:59

Oh, I think we have those too.

00:17:02

All three of our children have them and I cannot recommend Riff Raff enough. Our kids sleep with theirs every night.

00:17:03

Son has one.

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They take them to daycare every day.

00:17:10

It's an incredible tool. They've got 2 little buttons, one of them plays.

00:17:12

A beautiful little song.

00:17:14

Each order comes with a book. I'm not sponsored by them in any way, but I will send them this.

00:17:18

Afterwards, to see if they're interested.

00:17:18

I I got them as a gift. I got them as a gift and didn't even know the correct name for them.

00:17:23

And I, my son adores it.

00:17:25

Adores it. I know exactly what you talking about. I didn't know that was the name for.

00:17:28

Them and I I recommend them all the time.

00:17:28

And the other button, the other buttons are heartbeat, so he'll lay on me with that and his weighted blanket and I'll just give him little back rubs until he has regulated himself, and then we'll talk about it. So, yeah, I guess I'm a.

00:17:40

Gentle parent, which is super cool.

00:17:42

I I shock.

00:17:43

I shock people all the time. I did because of who I am as well as my nerd divergencies. I tend to like to educate myself before I jump into things.

00:17:52

I did a lot of research on a lot.

00:17:53

Of parenting styles, because while I won't say.

00:17:56

That there weren't good things and.

00:17:57

How I was raised.

00:17:58

There was a lot of things that.

00:17:59

I'm walking away.

00:18:00

From and leaving there.

00:18:02

And that left me feeling like I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I.

00:18:05

Can't rely on the tools and.

00:18:08

Responses I was taught as a child by my parents.

00:18:12

To then raise my.

00:18:12

Children and that seems like such a.

00:18:15

Silly thing to.

00:18:16

Say until as a parent, I don't think other parents with healthier maybe family dynamics understand just how much you have to override and correct.

00:18:24

And teach yourself.

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To then turn around and do.

00:18:27

That for your.

00:18:28

Child, you know and and and.

00:18:30

Give them the tools and the guidance they need, and I think people gentle parenting, especially in the United States, has a really nasty reputation for being permit.

00:18:38

Live I am not permissive. My child cannot hit me. My child does not throw food against the wall and tummy chit it.

00:18:45

It does not happen.

00:18:46

Well, it does, because he's 18 months old.

00:18:49

But I always try to stress to people that you know, I I don't have to strong will and browbeat my child into.

00:18:56

Being a good adult because.

00:18:58

In my experience.

00:19:00

Lead me to being a good adult, but let me to being a good adult was being a.

00:19:03

Of the emotionally regulated and respected human being.

00:19:06

I think as weird as it.

00:19:08

Is to say because I I you know I have.

00:19:11

Some childhood traumas and things like that surrounding the way in which I was brought up. My father was very much patriarchal, father, a little heavy handed.

00:19:21

You know I'm. I'm saying this very generally, I'm not going into specifics in case he does listen to this because I am in no way.

00:19:27

******** on his fatherhood because he was brought up in.

00:19:31

Much worse conditions.

00:19:33

And you know, he did the best he could with what he had. You know, he's very much a part of the generation of, you know, you're a man's man.

00:19:40

You don't talk about your feelings. You don't, you know, do this. Do that. And it's very much a do as I say, or you're gonna get it, which, you know, look, I had my own issues with for a.

00:19:49

Very, very long.

00:19:50

Time I have since been able to process.

00:19:53

Those traumas and come to terms with those traumas and it was maybe a month ago, not even a month ago, a couple of weeks ago I actually went and visited him and my stepmother took my kids there for the weekend and we sat down and I.

00:20:08

For the first time in my life, felt comfortable and had the courage and the confidence to say to him, I appreciate the fact that you are my father.

00:20:17

But you were a pretty ******* ****** father. I have spent a vast majority of my life in fear of you and in fear of your opinions. I understand that you had a.

00:20:29

Rough trot, and I empathise with that, but there's a lot of things that you could have done to be better, and he agreed with me and it was unexpected and he said.

00:20:42

I was not present. I lived to work. I had my own problems and I was at one point he was working like 3 jobs.

00:20:52

And, you know, he was addicted to, you know, being the breadwinner and ensuring that we wanted for nothing. So from that perspective, I certainly applaud him and his sacrifices.

00:21:03

That he made for the well being of our of us kids but but to be an emotionally present partner or father or anything like that is it needs to be.

00:21:13

Well, which he certainly understands now. So I mean, it was an amazingly healing conversation. I was able to have to have with him, and it was certainly needed, you know, and it took me 35 years to to be able to work out my own stuff and be able to have that.

00:21:29

Conversation with him.

00:21:30

Well, and I.

00:21:30

Hope more people can.

00:21:31

Have that as a millennial raised.

00:21:33

By boomers, I don't know if that.

00:21:35

Term carries over overseas.

00:21:36

But part of the reason I went no contact is because that conversation wasn't ever allowed to happen.

00:21:41

I wish it would.

00:21:43

I missed them a lot.

00:21:44

Excuse me.

00:21:46

People think they're going heck is easy. It is hot. It took a decade to happen and it is never easy. And for anybody who's doing it or going low contact or facing.

00:21:59

That decision, excuse the tears aside, know that it is a difficult decision, but sometimes your health is the hardest decision. And when.

00:22:01

That's OK.

00:22:09

I think there's a lot of healing in our generation, especially that can happen by turning around and having conversations with the grandparents and then turning around and making sure that that conversation means something with how we treat our children and.

00:22:18

That we truly end it.

00:22:20

We I I can go on for an.

00:22:23

Own hour about what my parents survived to.

00:22:25

Make him who?

00:22:25

They are. I pulled no punches that my parents are extremely.

00:22:29

Hurt damage people and hurt damage. People hurt damaged people when they're not healed. I wish for everybody, though, that they they really, really consider that when they have these conversations with their parents and they reflect on their own childhood, though really, really make sure that you turn around and don't repeat what you're healing from because.

00:22:49

People slip into the subconscious.

00:22:52

All the time and.

00:22:54

We will not be perfect all the time. It's not possible. We're going to like you said earlier, we're going to lose it.

00:22:58

I've already had to sit down with my 10 month old and practise the beginning stages of Mommy. Sorry, that was inappropriate.

00:23:05

Mommy should have handled.

00:23:06

That better. I am sorry I scared you. What? I don't know how to make you know. Kiss to.

00:23:10

Make it better and he watches.

00:23:12

Me. Regulate, you know.

00:23:14

Will take great breaths together and things like.

00:23:15

That what I found and what I.

00:23:17

Found luckily through therapy is that it's not.

00:23:20

Important to be perfect. It's important that.

00:23:22

When you're not.

00:23:23

They go through that process with you and they see how did you regulate?

00:23:27

How did you apologise? How did you move on? Because when they make a mistake with us, what do we want them to do?

00:23:32

We want them to do those exact same things.

00:23:34

Yeah, we want them to regulate, communicate and then hopefully.

00:23:38

He'll move on, make right, and move on.

00:23:41

It sounds so much easier said than done, but that's where I mean with the struggle for most parents and even my friends who are good parents who don't have the same, you know, struggles. I do of trauma backgrounds, if you are not doing your best to stay.

00:23:53

It you will repeat.

00:23:54

It if you're not staying in the moment, you will repeat it, and that's a really, really hard conversation and an honest conversation to have with yourself.

00:24:02

And I I hope more.

00:24:03

Parents you know, as we all heal as a generation.

00:24:05

Have that with themselves.

00:24:06

It it takes a.

00:24:07

A little bit more of an advanced level of emotional intelligence to recognise those things and to be able to implement strategies and philosophies.

00:24:16

And tools to to improve not only yourselves, but improve your level of parenting and make sure that you raise your kids to be the best versions of themselves.

00:24:26

I I gave birth at 35, two weeks short of 36 and my son made me grow up.

00:24:33

I was already many years in therapy. I was already an adult. I was married, I paid taxes. I bought a.

00:24:39

Car, but he made.

00:24:41

Me grow up.

00:24:42

Because until the.

00:24:45

I had emotional I had personal responsibility. I had emotional regulation. I I had all the things to practise and preach, but.

00:24:52

He makes me use them every single day.

00:24:55

Yeah, and they are such such sponges and. And you will come to find out you your son's 18 months.

00:25:02

So you know speech and things like that are on the horizon for you probably already saying a couple.

00:25:08

Be mimic.

00:25:08

Words, but absolute sponges. You know, my daughters just turned 4, and if I ask her to do something and she argues with me, I will instantly snap and say, do not argue, do as I ask you please.

00:25:22

And then she will turn around and she will say that you don't do what I ask when I want you to do something. If I want you to tickle me and you say no.

00:25:31

And then I I tell you that you don't do what I want you to do.

00:25:35

That's not fair.

00:25:37

And it really makes me stop and think. Well, well, this reaction is learned behaviour. So if I am always saying no.

00:25:45

What's she going?

00:25:46

To do.

00:25:47

You know, and that's learned behaviour.

00:25:48

And on top of it?

00:25:49

The BB for her.

00:25:51

For having the security though to turn to you.

00:25:53

And say, hey, this isn't fair.

00:25:56

Dude, she is so incredibly intelligent and it blows my mind every single.

00:26:02

Day for a four year.

00:26:03

Old we've just started, like our daycare is literally a 2 minute drive from our house, but we've just started.

00:26:10

I let her direct me home, so she sits in the back in the middle, so she has.

00:26:15

A full view of the road.

00:26:16

But once we are out of the daycare parking lot, I say which way do we go and she'll point in the direction.

00:26:22

And she she can take us home. We drove home from her, our her grandparents house yesterday. And that is a 25 minute drive.

00:26:32

She got us.

00:26:33

Home. Yeah. Do you not ever underestimate. I was an auntie.

00:26:39

Hello. Hello. Welcome back from the.

00:26:42

Other side of the world.

00:26:44

Ohh God I'm so.

00:26:45

So sorry about the the issues that I'm having.

00:26:49

Alright, so we were at my daughter. Yeah. So she was able to direct us the entire way back to our house on a 20 minute drive.

00:26:59

Granted, there's like four or five turns, but she's.

00:27:02

Very, very aware of everything.

00:27:04

And even when I ask her about these things and say, you know, you're incredibly smart.

00:27:09

And I'm so proud of you. And she says I.

00:27:12

When we're driving.

00:27:13

Especially, she says. Uh. I just like to supervise.

00:27:19

Which is which?

00:27:19

Is absolutely brilliant.

00:27:21

I see great things in that future.

00:27:23

Yeah, yeah, she's too smart for her own good. She definitely catches me on a lot of a lot of.

00:27:29

Things that I'm able to correct, which is great.

00:27:31

It's amazing.

00:27:33

Just we know they have a limited potential, but I.

00:27:35

Think a lot.

00:27:36

Of times we underestimate how observant and intelligent and ready.

00:27:40

To go, they are and.

00:27:41

If you I think as parents, if we do more to just put the safety wheels on and less to keep them in the parking lot, they'll really just take off.

00:27:49

You just have to, you know, you just give them enough, your 4 year olds not ready to.

00:27:53

Drive, but they're ready to give you directions.

00:27:55

Simple things like that. It builds a bond, you're communicating, it gets them. Practise memory like those are the little things that I.

00:28:02

You know.

00:28:03

I think that's what separates. It sounds so snotty.

00:28:05

To say it out.

00:28:05

Loud, but I will and the Internet will hate me for it.

00:28:07

But I think it's what separates the the doing their.

00:28:10

Best parents to the.

00:28:11

Ones who are.

00:28:11

Really trying to.

00:28:12

Knock their socks off the ones who you can tell are taking the steps everyday. They meditate, they medicate. They you know, they they think before they speak, they encourage.

00:28:24

Do things against the grain and.

00:28:27

I think we need to see more of it, at least here, especially in the States. I see we are so burnt out due to so many factors that double working parents and children are stuck behind screens and limited in their life experiences and potential because and emotionally too because parents can't give them what they should be and what they need.

00:28:48

So we just end up repeating.

00:28:49

The cycle again.

00:28:50

Yeah, I think a lot.

00:28:52

Of it is outside influence as well. You know, you see, you know, the experts say you should limit screen time to X amount and everything like that and.

00:28:59

Now see.

00:28:59

I do.

00:29:00

Then I do not.

00:29:02

I know, and everyone cringes.

00:29:04

And they feel guilty when they see me.

00:29:05

Coming, you know.

00:29:06

What's funny? I don't judge you at all.

00:29:08

I don't give two *****. You could give your kid 20 hours a day, if that's what you choose to do.

00:29:11

You're a monkey. Yours too. We are all just trying to survive and do our best. But I I know that when parents hear me say like I limit screen time to an hour for each of us a day to the, to the best of my ability.

00:29:21

We try to not be on the TV and the screens. I struggle with my phone a lot more than my partner does, but immediately my friends close up in flinch because they.

00:29:29

Like here they could.

00:29:30

Just feel the sanctimonious like online moms coming for.

00:29:33

Them I do it for my own reasons.

00:29:35

Yeah, exactly. And I think that is a really important distinction to make. A lot of things you see online and a lot of experts saying this and saying that it's not one size fits all and you can't put every parent into one box or the other or any number of boxes. You know, everyone fits a different mode and everyone has their own different experiences.

00:29:51

More importantly.

00:29:54

And views and preferred outcomes of things that they do and.

00:29:59

A healthy family is the is at.

00:30:01

The end of the day, the most important thing, so I told my best friend cause she she told me she felt bad because compared to me, her kids have a lot more screen time and are also young.

00:30:10

And I finally looked.

00:30:11

At her and said.

00:30:11

You know, if that iPad keeps you from screaming and losing your shift for 5 minutes so that you can go take a coffee break.

00:30:19

And that is the best thing.

00:30:20

You ever bought for your household?

00:30:22

And I think at the end of the day, just communicating and not being judgmental is the most important thing to do to come together as a comma.

00:30:28

City I have.

00:30:30

You know, we just had a a party over the weekend for my wife's birthday and we had some friends that don't have children.

00:30:36

Come over. But we have other friends that are a part of that kind of group that do have kids and they pulled me aside and they said, you know, in my however many years of life, I have never.

00:30:48

Ever seen children that are so well mannered and so well behaved and?

00:30:54

Just so happy and it's truly a testament to you as as a parent, you know, if you're ever doubting yourself, you guys are doing an amazing job and that is all the validation I need, especially from people that aren't parents. That's not something that you generally hear. So I think that the the most important distinction.

00:31:14

Is if you are ever sitting there at the end of a hard day after losing your **** and not being able to self regulate yourself. If you're sitting there.

00:31:22

Drinking a whiskey or having a smoke or doing whatever you need to do to get by yourself as a human.

00:31:27

You're sitting there wondering if you're a good parent or not. The fact that you have that thought and the fact that you have the worry that you are a good parent or not, is the most important distinction.

00:31:37

To to know.

00:31:38

In yourself that you are a good parent.

00:31:39

I I read 4 separate specialised books about traumatised people parenting.

00:31:45

Thinking it was going to magically give me the key.

00:31:48

They didn't, but I got a PhD in reading.

00:31:50

Through the lines.

00:31:51

What I did?

00:31:52

Take away there was that exact sentiment.

00:31:54

They also the same thing. The people who are really messing up their kids aren't the ones laying in bed wondering if they messed up their kid.

00:32:00

If you're worrying about.

00:32:01

It it means you're self reflecting.

00:32:02

Enough to change and that's the important part.

00:32:05

Too, I sound so Zen and perfect.

00:32:07

But again, come take a camera to my house. You will eventually tell me to. You will hear me. Tell the dog to get the **** out of my way and tell the baby.

00:32:13

To stop whining.

00:32:14

Damn it, I just want.

00:32:15

My coffee. I don't like talking that.

00:32:17

Way, but it's going to happen. It's, you know, and.

00:32:20

It just is what it.

00:32:20

Is it's saying I'm in the difficult stage at.

00:32:22

18 months where since?

00:32:24

He's exploring his feelings. I am allowing him to do so, but just trying to show him to regulate and you know.

00:32:28

That age, they really.

00:32:30

Don't have a lot of regulation. You just have to let them process it and and once he calms down he'll regulate with you.

00:32:35

And I already get looks in stores for people kind of give me the look.

00:32:38

Of like smack your kid and get him to shut up.

00:32:39

I won't do it. I will sit. I will stand in Fred Meyer Frozen section for 20 minutes while he tells me exactly how he feels, if that's what it's going to.

00:32:46

Take for us to peacefully leave that aisle and continue our shopping trip.

00:32:50

I have the privilege of having.

00:32:51

The spare time it's not easy. I don't like it.

00:32:54

It's not, no, but nothing worthwhile ever is easy.

00:32:57

But at 18 months.

00:32:59

Old my child already does the candle blow in and out.

00:33:03

When he starts to get.

00:33:03

Really mad. He is starting to hit and swing.

00:33:06

But he already has shown signs of like.

00:33:07

He'll raise and then I'll kind of give.

00:33:09

Him a look and he'll kind.

00:33:10

Of think for a second.

00:33:10

And then he'll just go, which is I'm mad.

00:33:13

So he has a mad hug that he does.

00:33:15

That we learned through one of the.

00:33:16

Parenting books it's showing me already that no matter how.

00:33:20

Dumb I might feel. And how many dirty?

00:33:21

Because I might get it's paying.

00:33:23

For him, because if he can learn to emotionally self regulate before he's 18 years old, that kid is already 30 years ahead of.

00:33:29

And as a man, especially you guys are not taught to express your emotions. My husband wasn't. He spent a lot of years learning how to do so. And and it's important to us that especially with male children, you know, I want.

00:33:40

Him to not I want him.

00:33:41

To grow up and be a good.

00:33:43

Partner in a good human being. And to do that you need to process and express your emotions correctly and as an American male, you're not taught to do that and that's why we end up with.

00:33:51

Holes and walls and mass shootings.

00:33:53

Yeah, I mean, I'm. I'm sure there's a whole host of other reasons, but yeah, definitely.

00:33:57

It's a broad statement.

00:33:58

Definitely a a big.

00:33:59

Big, big contributor. Yeah, yeah.

00:34:01

I actually recorded with a an amazing woman, Bree, who is training to become a an educator. So we we delve into a little bit about mass shootings and the impacts that that makes on on schooling and things like that.

00:34:15

My mom was a.

00:34:15

Teacher and my cousin survived Columbine, so I never directly survived a.

00:34:20

Shooting, but I had.

00:34:22

I had cousins that were involved in survived Columbine. I had cousins that were involved in the Troutdale High school shooting and survived.

00:34:27

I had friends that were at the Clackamas Town centre mall shooting in Oregon and survived. It's happened enough times to my family and my friends that I I can understand why an.

00:34:37

Upcoming teacher would be.

00:34:38

It's it's a serious conversation. Unfortunately, these young people are having in college.

00:34:42

Or I want to be a teacher.

00:34:43

But am I prepared to die?

00:34:44

And it's it's not something that's a lived experience for. For myself, being in Australia, it's not something that I will ever have to really, truly worry about.

00:34:54

Every morning when I drop my kid off at school or send them off on the bus or anything like that, it.

00:34:59

It's not. It's not a thought that will ever come into my head that I might have to put, you know, a big piece.

00:35:03

Of metal in their backpack.

00:35:04

In case a bullet you know goes through their backs.

00:35:05

Yeah, I my husband and I already worried about affording.

00:35:08

A bolt for backpacking.

00:35:09

Kindergarten. They tend to go about 300.

00:35:11

Dollars and we're a low income family.

00:35:12

Yeah, if it's not already hard enough to be a parent with you know, pre, pre diagnosed issues. Yeah. Adding all of that into it.

00:35:21

And it truly is a really.

00:35:22

Really tough time, especially for people in America right now, so I certainly empathise with that, even though it's not a lived experience and it's not something that I will.

00:35:30

Personally, ever have to well hopefully personally ever have to worry about. I certainly yes, I empathise with with everyone.

00:35:35

I think the roots of it.

00:35:37

Though even though the symptoms of it are different per country, it's still there's a lot of the saturation for media, good and bad.

00:35:43

It's just as harmful as it is good.

00:35:45

And I who?

00:35:46

Adore social media say that knowing I'm addicted to my cell phone, I said major radio is born.

00:35:50

86 I grew up in that in the.

00:35:52

Rise of the Internet I have watched.

00:35:54

My cousins and my children.

00:35:55

And my friend's children since I waited so long come up in.

00:35:58

It and how that both like I said it's.

00:36:00

Good and bad and.

00:36:02

I think that's a lot of contributing factors. That's something a.

00:36:04

Lot of parents again.

00:36:05

Like even at at young ages, you know, regulating their media content, their consumption, even at 4:00, it's scary.

00:36:11

What's out there?

00:36:12

For kids and what is?

00:36:13

Trying to get their attention.

00:36:15

To the public school systems here.

00:36:16

I don't know how they are in Australia are struggling, so again it just leaves a lot of factors and there's a lot of things in in America. Most parents both work. You know, I'm trying to rejoin the workforce myself.

00:36:27

But as a stay at home parent I.

00:36:28

See just how much faces American parents and why so much of it symptomatic?

00:36:34

And it's it's a lot of times when parents online are frustrated about not being the kind of parent or person they really want to be and why they feel they.

00:36:41

Fall short is.

00:36:43

Often again symptomatic of things that.

00:36:45

Are out of their control. If we weren't working.

00:36:47

90 hours a week with both parents.

00:36:50

Then maybe you'd have a.

00:36:51

Little bit more patience when Timmy throws a **** fit in the Fred Meyer frozen section.

00:36:55

So I do want to, you know, always kind of take that into account too, that I have a lot of privileges that I try to take advantage of. But it it is, it is possible. It just depends on.

00:37:05

Really really trying to make sure that you recognise your disadvantages.

00:37:08

And acknowledge that and let yourself say like this is.

00:37:12

Hard as ****.

00:37:13

Yeah. It's so hard, you know, it's just life in general, you know, especially as a parent, you have to juggle so many different things.

00:37:20

You have to juggle being able to provide for your family financially, keep a roof over your head. So that means that you have to work, which means you're dedicating probably half your time each week or each fortnight. Or how.

00:37:31

You you choose to do it, you're devoting that time to being able to provide for your family financially. The other half of the time is devoted to being a parent.

00:37:42

Showing up for your family, maintaining a relationship, or maintaining a social life. Maintaining self care.

00:37:49

Maintaining your physical fitness, maintaining your mental health, it's it's such a **** show. There's so many things to check off A to do list that's just never ending. There's always going to be another thing.

00:37:59

That needs to be done.

00:38:00

My friends looked at me, horrified because.

00:38:02

I don't think you're allowed to say this.

00:38:04

To mom, but I kept.

00:38:04

Trying to explain them like I.

00:38:06

Declan, that's not the issue. I despise motherhood. I was not ready for what it placed on me, and I don't necessarily like it. And I'm talking in.

00:38:15

A societal sense.

00:38:16

Is in the emotional labour and the physical labour and.

00:38:20

While I do, I do it with love and there are no regrets and there is no going back. As you know, once you.

00:38:25

Have kids. There is no before.

00:38:27

It just is, but I wish people would understand me more when I say, like when I say I don't, I despise motherhood, everyone immediately jumps to. I'm so sorry you're struggling with your baby.

00:38:36

Has nothing to do with my baby.

00:38:39

And I think fatherhood, too, has been a a hard adjustment on my on my husband.

00:38:43

And again, there's not a lot of resources for him. There's more for me aimed at motherhood and the adjustments.

00:38:47

And the problems?

00:38:48

But there wasn't a lot for my husband. There's a huge gap of just other than go to work, Sir. Change your diaper. She'll be happy.

00:38:56

Your job is to provide and it again just speaks to again how much change needs to come around just everything to do with parenthood, including how we talk about it and how we allow ourselves to talk about it. It is, I tell my child free friends.

00:39:10

Since I waited till I was over.

00:39:11

34 to have children. Most of my friends were a little surprised I did it all. They kind of, I guess, secret.

00:39:17

They just thought I was going to be killed for like them, and I tried to explain them that I don't necessarily believe their life is better than mine or worse than mine.

00:39:25

I think at the end of day, if I had never had children, I would have died.

00:39:28

A complete whole person as.

00:39:29

Well, but once you have children.

00:39:31

There is no going.

00:39:33

Back the idea of just not having children anymore is just unimaginable. Like it just is.

00:39:37

No matter how miserable you are, it is in that moment.

00:39:41

You know, you just.

00:39:41

You can't go.

00:39:42

Back and there is no the person you became the man you became a parent is is different than.

00:39:47

The person you.

00:39:47

Were 5 seconds before and.

00:39:49

The older he gets, the more.

00:39:50

Becomes true.

00:39:51

Yeah, 100%. When my first daughter was born. So my first baby after the entire **** show of of delivery and and all of that.

00:39:58

We caught that.

00:39:59

I've talked about that on previous podcast, so I won't go back into it, so certainly traumatic, but the first thing that I said to this little entity was me and everything.

00:40:11

I own belong.

00:40:12

To you? Ohh. I didn't expect that. And and it remains.

00:40:17

True to this.

00:40:17

Day I'm not the perfect parent.

00:40:19

I'm not a perfect human. No, no human is. I do the best I can with.

00:40:23

What I what I have?

00:40:25

But my kids will.

00:40:27

Always grow up with nothing but love from me.

00:40:30

I I had the same moment he was.

00:40:32

Asleep in the little in the little.

00:40:36

Bassinet, you know, and my husband was passed out on the.

00:40:38

On the father's couch and.

00:40:39

He had pulled the bassinet closer to him because he had fuss and he was trying to let me.

00:40:43

Sleep and I remember I looked over and just said.

00:40:45

I will give you.

00:40:46

Everything I had and everything I've ever had.

00:40:49

And I said, I mean that to this day, but I won't give you everything I had. And I will give you.

00:40:53

Thing I.

00:40:53

Didn't. And because of that, hopefully he will be a healthy, happy human being. It's so funny when people talk.

00:40:59

About what do you want your child to be?

00:41:01

And I most people jump to an.

00:41:03

Assumption of married a career, I say.

00:41:09

I I I guess I would prefer you.

00:41:10

Know relatively law.

00:41:11

Abiding normal citizen wherever he lives just because or you know they live actually, because as he gets older that could change as well. And I'm open to that.

00:41:18

But for now, he I just really.

00:41:21

Really hope that, like we all do, that our mission turns out I've had the privilege of seeing my oldest God. Son is 15.

00:41:29

My youngest God child is 3 so I have.

00:41:32

Quite a rage.

00:41:33

Of Godchildren, there's 12 all together. They're all my.

00:41:35

Best friends? Children.

00:41:36

So before Declan, I had many, many years of.

00:41:39

Auntie and it's not.

00:41:40

The same, just like your dogs.

00:41:41

Dog Food dog is not the.

00:41:43

Same, but I've had the pleasure of watching.

00:41:46

Changing my techniques and as my friends grew as parents and changed their techniques, watching the benefits and watching those child.

00:41:52

Grow and you will not, and I remind myself every day when I am breathing to 10 with my throwing a fit.

00:41:59

18 month old who's chewing on my ankles because he's angry that in 10 years I'll see the benefits of this and I actually had my 15 year old godson when I now. But when I got pregnant he was 13 and I.

00:42:12

And we told him, and the first thing he said. Well, first two.

00:42:15

Things he said was ohh man.

00:42:16

Then, he said, why is that? Because.

00:42:18

You were my rich auntie. Kids make you poor. Well, he's right. So he's right about that one.

00:42:25

But the second thing he said is I.

00:42:27

Know you're going to be.

00:42:28

Fantastic, because you always you always apologised.

00:42:31

When you made a mistake, Auntie.

00:42:33

And so I I just hope.

00:42:36

I think like we all do.

00:42:37

You know, sometimes I'm sure, like, since your kids are older, you started to see the benefits.

00:42:41

Of your parenting style as.

00:42:42

It comes back.

00:42:43

And so I laugh when you talk about people tell you your child is so well behaved. And I'm like, I'm in the trenches of the, like, horribly misbehaved era because it's going to take a while for their brain to catch up. And I just.

00:42:54

I can't wait.

00:42:55

And I am the opposite team where everyone's.

00:42:57

Like, oh, team babies, infants are the.

00:42:59

Best don't you?

00:42:59

Wish you could go back? No.

00:43:01

I cannot wait till he can walk. I cannot wait till he can talk. I.

00:43:04

Cannot wait till you can tell me what.

00:43:05

He wants without throwing something against the wall.

00:43:08

I felt the same way as far as you know, when my daughter was a baby, I would say every day like I can't wait until she can talk and I can't wait to be able to sit and have conversations with her and and hear her perspectives and and her experiences and what she thinks these things are and.

00:43:27

Look, I was right there with you, and now that she can do all of those things some days, I'm just like.

00:43:32

Shut the **** ***.

00:43:36

Shut up. Shut up. Go back. Go back to.

00:43:38

Just being cute and not being able to say.

00:43:41

Dad 50 times.

00:43:43

He was when they didn't have opinions. You know, as nice as an infant. He just had basic needs and that was it. It was pretty easy to figure out. Now his opinion. So trying to decipher the opinion, it's just.

00:43:53

It's also really, really cool.

00:43:56

Because, yeah, so. So my daughter's 4.

00:43:58

She she she is forming her own opinions now based on outside experiences and perspectives, you know, through daycare and kindergarten and things that aren't lived through her parents.

00:44:10

So it's really, really cool to for her to come home and tell me about something that she has learned that we didn't teach her. And that's that's really, really cool.

00:44:20

See, it's really cool because she's an inquisitive mind and she she has a willingness to learn and listen and then relay that information back to me. And that just she's she's her own little person. It's super cool. It's super rewarding.

00:44:36

My big thing it again. It always sounds so depressing, but mine is. Is my son shows No Fear. He shows No Fear to me when I jump around a corner and say Boo when he.

00:44:45

Makes a mistake.

00:44:47

When he falls down, he looks for me, but he he truly lives without fear. And that is just one thing already that I just admire just hope to just.

00:44:56

Protect at all costs as as I can is just that confidence he is willing to just go out on a limb and balance on.

00:45:02

One toe and say look at me and I.

00:45:06

Hope to keep that spirit, but all ready to.

00:45:09

I love that.

00:45:10

They already start.

00:45:10

To pick up basic empathy like the dog hurt his paw. And so we were.

00:45:14

He had it wrapped up and we were giving it treatments, so finally we kept we kept the games playing with the bandage and we finally realised she's picking.

00:45:20

Up the pod.

00:45:20

Kissing it and patting the dog on the head.

00:45:23

To try to tell him to.

00:45:24

Feel better? You know, just those little moments.

00:45:25

Where you're like, OK.

00:45:27

See, this is the shining.

00:45:29

Human. You're going to become and.

00:45:30

I'm so excited for it.

00:45:31

Yeah. So my daughter is, is the carer and the nurturer of of my three children. She's she's very much the older sister.

00:45:39

That, as you would have heard in a previous podcast, my son's journey through NICU and and his operation and things like that, you know, she has grown up seeing the scar on his belly.

00:45:48

So as soon as she was old enough to recognise that he his body was different to hers and she was asking questions about it, I told her everything. And since then, you know, she always tells me that.

00:46:00

She wants to grow up to be a doctor and help other babies like her brother.

00:46:04

Perfect.

00:46:05

So for Christmas last not last year, the year before we bought her like a little toy Doctor kit and she uses that everyday everyday. And if if Mummy has a headache or if Daddy.

00:46:17

Kicks his toe on the couch, which I do very frequently because of the ADHD and the incredibly poor spatial awareness that comes with such a diagnosis.

00:46:24

Hi I laughed but I have.

00:46:27

Many bruises on my legs because that table will.

00:46:30

Someday, move right.

00:46:31

Yeah, we joke that daddy's always got a broken toe because because I generally do I I just.

00:46:38

I just kicked my toe again on the couch two weeks ago. The bruising has just subsided, but it had only just healed from the previous time I had broken it on the same couch and it'll never change.

00:46:49

I'm just always going to have completely broken and deformed toes, but as soon as she hears someone in the family say Ouch or start crying or anything like that, she's right there.

00:46:59

Beside us, with her little doctor kit and checking in our ears and checking our little temperatures and it's it's it's pretty cool to see she she's a very.

00:47:07

Caring little girl.

00:47:08

Space now just like looking forward to like.

00:47:10

Come on, toddler hood. Just a little the.

00:47:12

Next stage, the stage where you bite.

00:47:16

Yeah. Ohh, she still bites me, but it's in.

00:47:19

In more of a joking manner.

00:47:20

You're supposed to.

00:47:20

Lie and tell me it stopped.

00:47:22

Soon it don't. Don't tell me the truth.

00:47:23

Ohh no, no no. The **** show never ends, but you have to look in the grey and you have to exist in the grey and just enjoy the the little moments that.

00:47:33

Yeah, industrially, is. Is like is spanking and yelling at your kids still seen as more of a normal?

00:47:34

They're just perfect.

00:47:41

No, no, it's very it's very much frowned upon. It does obviously still happen quite a lot and there are a lot of people out there that are just like very pro that form of parenting and a lot of people don't have an issue with just being like your kid would benefit from a good smack behind the ears and stuff like that.

00:47:42

OK so.

00:48:02

But you know, there is definitely more of an emergence of people that are against that behaviour.

00:48:07

See, it's it's it's.

00:48:08

More of.

00:48:09

An emergence, but I.

00:48:09

Still get a lot of the.

00:48:11

Backhanded not necessarily spanking.

00:48:13

But more of again, the undertone is control your.

00:48:17

There's always this tone of control, control, control, control which always baffles me only because I first want to look at them like how much.

00:48:24

Control do you have over me screaming?

00:48:26

In the middle of the aisle right now.

00:48:28

Let alone him, but.

00:48:31

It was just a curious thing. I've always wondered.

00:48:33

Because it it.

00:48:33

Seems like from from.

00:48:34

The sound of it, especially you just.

00:48:36

You, you foster so much without any fear overly.

00:48:40

Being control like I I just feel like a lot of Americans again. It always comes from this point of just control, control, control.

00:48:47

And I actually have to fight it.

00:48:48

But because being raised.

00:48:49

In an extremely authoritarian household, my instinct, if I'm not careful, is to control the emotion.

00:48:56

So like if you're.

00:48:58

Good or bad, you know, control the behaviours. So it's just, it's interesting to hear that it seems like that part of that maybe fades as people start to wake up and change their attitudes towards kids in general.

00:49:11

Yeah, certainly. I think I think it's not so much like a difference with countries and things like that. I think Western civilizations as a whole is probably quite on the same.

00:49:22

Page as far as.

00:49:24

You know, recommended.

00:49:26

Styles of parenting and how we probably shouldn't.

00:49:31

Hit our kids.

00:49:34

You know, I won't lie. I've I have given my my two oldest a little tap once and.

00:49:42

I did a hand.

00:49:43

In look in that in that moment and with what was happening and with everyone's emotional state.

00:49:51

It wasn't the right thing to do, and I won't say it was necessary, but it was the tool that I chose to use in the moment.

00:49:58

It is a tool that I regretted instantly, and it is something that my wife and I, once everything calmed down, sat and discussed at.

00:50:04

Thanks. And we both agreed that this is not the route we will go and we will figure out something better that works for us as a family and ensures our children's well being and their bodily autonomy stays intact, which is very, very important. You talked about it.

00:50:22

A little bit.

00:50:23

Before you know, we had the conversations.

00:50:26

Circumcision. I before I had my son, I was always like, Yep, we're going to get him circumcised and then once he was born, we had already discussed if we were going to get our daughters ears pierced and we had decided that we weren't going to get her ears pierced because that's her body. And when she is old enough to make that decision.

00:50:46

Informed decision and she decides to do that. That's an important thing that she can go through herself and that's an important lesson that, you know, if you want this thing, you have to understand that this is going to hurt you a little bit.

00:50:58

So there's there's things that you need to.

00:51:01

Take into account and.

00:51:02

Then my son was born and I was like, Yep, circumcision and then.

00:51:06

A light bulb went off and I was like, hold on. If I'm going to sit there and say we're not going to get my daughter's ears pierced because of her bodily autonomy, how can I say I want to get my son circumcised?

00:51:16

It just contradicts the the two frames of mind and then I kind of sat down. I was like pros and cons and the only the only reason I could come up with for him being circumcised.

00:51:26

Just so he was like his dad. Sorry for anyone that didn't need to know that, but anyway.

00:51:31

And I was.

00:51:31

Like, well, if that's the only reason, that's an incredibly silly reason that holds no weight whatsoever, and it's going to completely contradict my prior belief of body.

00:51:41

The autonomy. So my son is uncircumcised and will remain that way.

00:51:44

My, my, my husband was raised by a.

00:51:47

Hippie ahead of.

00:51:48

Her time. So she came to the same conclusion.

00:51:51

They weren't religious and she.

00:51:52

Believed it was a violation as Bob Lay.

00:51:53

Tony. And so when we found out we.

00:51:55

Were having a son I didn't even.

00:51:57

Think about it.

00:51:58

Really, as a woman and not a mother. And tell the doctor, said Mayo. And my husband immediately, like, do not, we are not.

00:52:04

No, no, no. And I said OK and.

00:52:07

But surprisingly I got a lot.

00:52:09

Of pushback from that a lot.

00:52:10

Of my friends and family, which is.

00:52:12

Funny cause we're not.

00:52:13

I'm an Omni switch. My husband's an atheist, so it's not a a religious factor for us and none of our friends either, but.

00:52:21

Again, it pushes against that.

00:52:22

Societal norm. And it was funny how?

00:52:24

Many people were were.

00:52:26

Wanting again once they found out I didn't and my reasons why they heard them and they liked them, they became defensive of their previous choice and that's I find with.

00:52:34

Parenting a lot.

00:52:35

You great against your friends. Whenever you do anything different, mostly because people tend to get.

00:52:40

Upset and assume there's.

00:52:42

Going to be.

00:52:42

More than there needs to be.

00:52:44

You know, for us, we just chose it's not religiously important, it doesn't. Cleanliness is not an issue. He doesn't have a medical need.

00:52:50

Why would I take?

00:52:51

Something from him. He was born with. If he wants it removed by the time he's 18, I'll pay for.

00:52:55

It because I didn't do it when an infant fair is fair.

00:52:58

And look, I'm.

00:52:58

I'm in no way, you know, treading on a parents decision to do that. You know it is.

00:53:04

Again, it's it's kind of the.

00:53:05

It is your. It is your child. You do what you think is best for your child or you know your religious beliefs or anything like that. You know, this podcast isn't here to to push down or anything like that.

00:53:18

Any types of parenting it's it's just, it's just to talk about our own experiences so.

00:53:24

I adore that.

00:53:25

About the podcast. That's why I I agreed once I.

00:53:27

Heard it is it.

00:53:29

Again, it's nice to hear people have.

00:53:31

Differences and it doesn't.

00:53:32

Immediately have to be defensive or bad. You know it.

00:53:35

My my friends feel guilt about this or I feel guilty about that. My big one is food nutrition. I'm always feeling like I don't.

00:53:41

I don't have the perfect.

00:53:42

Plate and some.

00:53:42

Of my friends do, and I beat myself up about it, but at the end of the day I have to recognise that when I feel defensive about what she's feeding her kids, it has.

00:53:49

Nothing to do with what she's feeding her kids because I'm feeling some way about what I'm feeding my child.

00:53:53

Yeah, certainly I I don't. I look as far as nutrition goes, I that's yeah, that's the whole wild world and.

00:53:57

That's a whole wild.

00:53:58

World. Ohh goodness.

00:54:02

And you know, I myself had been on a a weight loss journey and all.

00:54:04

Of that I've.

00:54:05

Lost over the last couple of years like 40 kilos.

00:54:08

I've packed a little bit back on since starting the podcast because all my spare time is devoted to editing and whatnot.

00:54:14

But I I realised look, I had a I had a pretty bad drug problem as a teenager and I was able to quit cold Turkey.

00:54:21

In my early 20s and I replaced.

00:54:25

A drug addiction with a food addiction.

00:54:27

And and I and I realise very quickly that.

00:54:32

It gave me. It gave me what I needed to not do drugs, so it was an incredibly important tool, but it became very, very unhealthy for both my body and my mind.

00:54:42

So I have been taking a lot of time in the last few years to try and rectify those issues within myself and have a more healthy relationship with food. It is a.

00:54:51

Definitely a journey and it is definitely something that you need to or I personally need to come to terms with. As far as like.

00:55:00

The shame of it all goes.

00:55:02

And I've found, you know, healthy conversation with my wife and being really, really open and honest with her about, you know, if I've binged or if I'm doing this or how I'm feeling in the moment, but.

00:55:13

The things that we are implementing as far as parenting goes to ensure our children grow up with a healthy relationship.

00:55:18

With food is the word fat.

00:55:21

Will never be spoken.

00:55:22

In our House like that, food will make you fat. We we tell our children that a little bit of any type of food is completely healthy and completely OK. We tell them that.

00:55:34

You know, you could too much of anything is unhealthy. Yeah. If you're going to sit there.

00:55:38

And eat 30 apples.

00:55:40

It's it's not.

00:55:41

Going to be good for you. Yeah, yeah.

00:55:41

Yeah, you gonna get.

00:55:41

A tummy ache.

00:55:44

So that's how we we go with food. Our kids are incredibly picky eaters.

00:55:47

My son ASD. You know if they could live off McDonald's chicken Nuggets and chips, they would. But we we try to give them a little.

00:55:55

Bit of.

00:55:55

A. A fair few different types of food every night. We don't specifically cook meals.

00:56:01

Separate for them. And yeah, I think it's doing OK, you know, they eat, they eat, they eat, they don't eat veggies. But what kid does, apart from when they're babies with the purees and whatnot but you know.

00:56:04

So I.

00:56:13

I got lucky.

00:56:15

That I have.

00:56:16

An extremely informed dietitian who is both informed on my bariatric needs, as well as my disordered eating.

00:56:22

So when it came.

00:56:22

To having kids, of course, I.

00:56:23

Reached out to.

00:56:24

Them and was like, hey, anything you wanna point me in?

00:56:26

And they point me in the direction of a.

00:56:27

Few books and things but.

00:56:28

A big one was what she told.

00:56:30

Me was offer at least three food.

00:56:32

Groups a meal and make sure they at least eat.

00:56:36

Until the age of four, then.

00:56:37

You should push for two and then.

00:56:39

You know, you just kind of let them. And I've noticed that by.

00:56:43

Once he started, baby LED.

00:56:45

Weaning and started eating on his own once I.

00:56:47

Just let go of the.

00:56:48

Reins and just offered him.

00:56:49

Everything that was.

00:56:50

Safe and acceptable that we were eating. We haven't.

00:56:53

Again, he's very young, so we'll come across issues. I'm sure it's coming. The chicken nugget phase is coming, but after losing 90 kilos when I converted it on my.

00:56:58

Oh yeah.

00:57:02

Phone really quick.

00:57:03

You know, I take it very seriously because I I understand fat phobia. I've lived it.

00:57:08

I understand the health.

00:57:11

Issues that arose because of my weight I.

00:57:13

Understood. My you know.

00:57:14

Deeply how unhealthy relationship?

00:57:16

With food was.

00:57:16

That got me.

00:57:17

There and I want to make sure to not pass those on but also not pass the biases and bigotry towards bigness and eating and nutrition that also can come with healthy culture. And it's it's a difficult line, I already again.

00:57:31

Find that my friends, look at me shocked when I I gently say stuff.

00:57:34

Like we don't say junk food.

00:57:36

We don't do bad food.

00:57:37

Good food. That's a moral value. Bad food is food.

00:57:39

That's gonna make it has more.

00:57:42

It sounds like such.

00:57:43

A simple thing, but it's very.

00:57:44

Important especially to me in recovery we don't. We try not to.

00:57:48

Yeah, we try not to assign.

00:57:49

Moral value to food. We offer multiple food groups. There's no pressure to eat.

00:57:52

He will eat what he wants, when he wants, and it's my responsibility to offer to him if he falls behind, which sometimes he does. You know, there's pedicure, just kind of.

00:58:00

You know, sticking to cheese and things that are favourites to get his calories up, but again it's it doesn't sound so radical when I say this to you, but my.

00:58:07

American friends find.

00:58:08

Me very radical. Sit the baby down and make him eat.

00:58:11

Because that's how we were.

00:58:11

Raised, but let me do a.

00:58:13

Humongous 375 pound at 5.

00:58:16

Foot five problem so.

00:58:18

There's, there's still.

00:58:19

Look, I'm not perfect and I've I've always maintained that, but especially around, you know, meal times.

00:58:25

I I do find myself getting frustrated if they.

00:58:27

Refuse to eat.

00:58:28

And I, you know, start doing the whole like if you eat this I'll, you know give.

00:58:34

You a sort.

00:58:35

Of dessert or?

00:58:36

Or like you can stay up for.

00:58:38

10 minutes later.

00:58:38

And you know bro bro.

00:58:40

Library in its own way can be an incredibly useful tool, but if it's something that you rely on and use often yet again too much of a good thing is a bad thing. Yeah, it's all about finding the balance and you know everyone will find their own balance.

00:58:53

I am not.

00:58:53

Above a little bribery. The only reason my child loves his car seat is because every time he gets in the back seat the car.

00:58:59

He has handed his juice pouch for our trip.

00:59:02

To the stores.

00:59:03

And things. And if I do not have one. Ooh, I'm.

00:59:05

In trouble so I am not against.

00:59:07

It as well.

00:59:08

I just giggle because again, it's one of those techniques that you have to be careful of. The slippery slope. Just like yelling. You're gonna yell. The problem is, is.

00:59:14

When you're chronic yeller.

00:59:16

You know.

00:59:17

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Same with the food you can over. You can try your best to make them as healthy and perfect as possible, but they're going to eventually discover that there's other food and they you have no control over what.

00:59:29

They pick after that.

00:59:30

So I I just tried really hard to focus more on just diversifying the food, make sure getting enough calories not to die.

00:59:36

And I will worry.

00:59:37

About the.

00:59:41

Proper nutrition. If the doctor tells me to, as long as she tells me that he's doing OK, I'm just going to take.

00:59:46

Take the grace. I'll keep going.

00:59:47

That's the most important thing.

00:59:49

Well, I think that.

00:59:50

About wraps us up. Is there anything else that you want to discuss?

00:59:53

No this.

00:59:53

Before we start.

00:59:54

Was just delightful. I just I had a fantastic time and I hope your listeners like it and if you ever want me back, I already say.

01:00:02

Ohh 100% I think I've I've thought about doing some follow up episodes, maybe a year down the track just to touch base with everyone.

01:00:10

But you know, I'll focus on this for now and see how this keeps going and tracking, hopefully.

01:00:14

A little teaser. We'll see.

01:00:15

In a year, if I'm even still in the states, so maybe next time I check in, it'll be from a different place.

01:00:20

Maybe. Maybe we'll see what happens. Thank you so much for joining Fiona. Yeah. I mean, you always have a a home on the podcast and my my inbox and email is always open to you, mate. It's been a pleasure. And thank you so much.

01:00:24

Hey, kill.

01:00:35

No worries. You have a great day.

01:00:36

You have a great night or day.

01:00:39

Dave. Yeah, I haven't work.

01:00:40

Tonight so I should get some sleep. Alright. Hurry.

01:00:43

Try and find a way to make it so my life is a better place. If there's one thing I see, then the only thing it's me knowing that I'm.

01:00:58

China make a change it up, put it all on me and all the other mountains coming by repeating.

01:01:13

If there's one thing I know.

01:01:18

Just knowing that in China make a change.