Redefining Fatherhood: Andrew's Journey with ADHD, Parenting, and Personal Growth

Welcome to Episode Three of Touched Out: A Mental Health Podcast for Parents!

In this heartfelt episode, we meet Andrew from Atlanta, Georgia, who opens up about his journey through fatherhood, ADHD, and societal expectations. Andrew’s story is a testament to resilience and redefining traditional roles, balancing side hustles like freelancing and writing with aspirations to join the fire service.

Join us as Andrew shares his personal experiences with:

Redefining Fatherhood: Insights into Andrew's life as a stay-at-home dad and the rewards and challenges of managing family responsibilities while pursuing personal goals.

Living with ADHD and Autism: The unique hurdles of parenting with ADHD and autism, and how these conditions shape Andrew's role as the primary caregiver.

Overcoming Corporate Burnout: Andrew's transition from unfulfilling corporate jobs to becoming a stay-at-home dad, and the emotional and practical challenges he faced along the way.

Coping with Mental Health Struggles: Practical advice on managing untreated ADHD, the importance of self-care, and navigating mental health in a parenting context.

Exploring Religion and Parenting: Andrew's reflections on raising children with the freedom to explore their own beliefs and fostering curiosity.

Trigger Warning: This episode includes discussions on mental health struggles and societal pressures. Listener discretion is advised.

Andrew also opens up about his personal journey of self-discovery and the importance of self-compassion in parenting. His story provides a relatable perspective on balancing personal needs with family responsibilities, shedding light on the mental health challenges many parents face.

Chapters

• 0:00 Stay-at-Home Father Mental Health Struggles
• 12:57 Learning to Manage ADHD
• 23:46 Navigating Parenting With ADHD and Autism
• 32:44 Navigating Self-Care and Therapy Journeys
• 44:34 Parenting, Religion, and Curiosity
• 52:12 Late Night Gratitude and Farewell

Transcript

[00:00:00] Carter: Trigger warning. The following podcast contains explicit language and discussions of sensitive topics that some listeners may find distressing, including miscarriage, child abuse, mental health issues, and birth trauma. Listener discretion is advised. If you feel triggered or overwhelmed at any point, we encourage you to pause the episode and take care of yourself.

[00:00:19] Carter: Hello and welcome to episode two of the Touched Out podcast. Today we have Andrew. Andrew's from Atlanta, Georgia. Married with one child who is three years old today. Andrew and I discussed Andrew's ADHD diagnosis and how that impacted him both in childhood and adulthood. And after becoming a parent, we also discussed Andrew as a stay at home father and the intricacies that are involved in that, uh, and how that played a part in his mental health journey.

[00:00:48] Carter: We also discussed Andrew's many side hustles, one of which being a published author. You can find Andrew's work through his Twitter handle, Arkane underscore author, A R C A N [00:01:00] E underscore author, A U T H O R. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and be sure to like, subscribe, and follow on all podcasts.

[00:01:09] Carter: Platforms. Thanks guys.

[00:01:45] Carter: How are you today, Andrew? I'm doing okay. How about you? I'm well, thank you. Thank you very, very much. For joining us here. Um, great to have you. We've got a lot of things to talk about. Uh, first of all, we'll [00:02:00] start off with, uh, a little bit about yourself, a little bit about your family, uh, how many kids, ages, married, everything 

[00:02:09] Andrew: like that.

[00:02:09] Andrew: Gotcha. Gotcha. Go for it. Yep. Uh, married since. Ooh, 2011. So whatever the math is on that, um, 12, 12 years, 12 years. Yeah. And, uh, we met back in 2007. So that's, it's been a long while. Um, we've got one kid, um, a daughter, she's three, uh, in November. Uh, she was three in November. Uh, just the most amazing. Kid in the world.

[00:02:36] Andrew: Um, I'm currently stay at home. Dad. I'm doing a lot of different things. Uh, got a lot of irons in the fire as far as, you know, freelancing and writing and, um, actually hopefully starting a new career completely separate from all that soon. Depending on how that goes. Um, which is, um, uh, fulfilling a lifelong dream of applying to the [00:03:00] fire service.

[00:03:00] Andrew: So we'll see how that goes. 

[00:03:02] Carter: Oh, awesome. Very fulfilling and challenging role. My father in law is a firefighter and a paramedic. So we are no stranger to, uh, heroes in this household. It's something that, uh, my daughters and Son, look up to immensely. Uh, so you said that you're a stay at home dad, been a stay at home dad since day one or?

[00:03:25] Andrew: Uh, not quite day one. Um, I was, um, she was born in 2019 and at the time I had just left one job working for a local popsicle company, uh, doing their sort of online ordering and web dev and things like that. Um, and then for a lot of reasons, I left that job. And went to a job, um, stage handing for a local production company.

[00:03:48] Andrew: So like big arena concerts, I would set up the stages and, and tear down all of that. Um, so I started that in the summer of 2019 and had been doing that, uh, right up until COVID [00:04:00] hit. And so since, since, um, The entertainment industry basically imploded. Um, I didn't have a lot of options at the time, not a lot of contacts.

[00:04:10] Andrew: And so we thought it would, since my wife was working full time as a, uh, project manager, it would just made the most sense for me to be a stay at home dad. And that's what I've been doing for the last three ish years. 

[00:04:22] Carter: Beautiful. And as a stay at home father, do you find that role fulfilling? Uh, do you love that role?

[00:04:28] Carter: Do you have any kind of feelings towards rejoining the workforce versus continuing on doing what you're doing? 

[00:04:36] Andrew: So that is kind of the interesting thing. And I feel like a lot of stay at home dads, um, feel this. I'm not sure. Um, I mean, differences in culture, obviously, but for definitely here in America, there is a, there is a sense of, What a like a man's role should be and I've never really fallen so much into that as to like, I can't be a parent to my kids and I absolutely love what I [00:05:00] do.

[00:05:00] Andrew: And yes, I am fulfilled by it every day. But there is always this sort of undercurrent of I want to be doing more for my family and I want to support them. Um, More directly, more financially than I do now, and so I know a lot of stay at home dads I've talked to struggle with the same thing. That's 1 of the reasons I've been trying to find ways to get back into the workforce in some way.

[00:05:22] Andrew: I tried starting my own business, doing some consulting after hours, which. You know, consulting is hit or miss. Uh, I've been freelancing a lot. And, um, my most recent gig is doing a lot of, uh, writing for an online sort of entertainment news outlet, which has helped a little bit, but I, I really want to, like, I don't know if I'll ever be the bring it home to bacon guy in our family.

[00:05:45] Andrew: I at least want to do more than I'm doing now. Yeah, definitely. So 

[00:05:49] Carter: as far as you feeling, uh, like you, you know, you need to, you know, bring home bacon, as you say. Um, do you feel like that feeling comes [00:06:00] from the existing culture that we have probably worldwide in Australia? It's quite the same. You know, stay at home.

[00:06:07] Carter: Dads are still kind of, uh, I wouldn't say look down upon, but it's definitely not the typical role. You know, like the man still the breadwinner and things like that. We are slowly kind of getting the ball rolling and seeing some positive change in the way people are. View that role and view the division of labor between a man and wife, things like that.

[00:06:28] Carter: So do you feel like your feelings, uh, because of that societal standard or is it more of an internalized feeling that you've got yourself? 

[00:06:37] Andrew: See, I feel like it's really, it's hard to differentiate the two because if you. I feel like it's a little of both. Um, and I feel like it's weird because if it's internalized, is it, is it actually you or is it because it's been pounded into you by the culture over decades and generations?

[00:06:53] Andrew: So, uh, I do think it's a little bit of both. Uh, there's sort of an expectation, but. I've never been one to [00:07:00] fully fall into expectations. I've always been kind of an outcast anyway. So part of me doesn't really, you know, care. Um, but it's also more just, I want to be able to that idea of, like, supporting people and helping people is something that's always been really important to me.

[00:07:14] Andrew: So, um. Yeah, just how I, how I go about doing that might, might look different, but that's, that's something that's always been really a big part of my personality. So, yeah, I, I know it's a little 

[00:07:26] Carter: column B, kind of a hedge to say, so as, as far as those feelings go, and as far as you and yourself goes, how do you think that being a stay at home father with a newborn up until now has affected your mental health?

[00:07:43] Andrew: So that's a good question because it's, it's, it's a little, it's hard to answer because having had a kid just before coven, I keep, I commonly ask myself how much of this is the kid and how much of this is the pandemic. I mean, both end up leading to some of the [00:08:00] same outcomes in the sense of, you know.

[00:08:03] Andrew: Lack of sleep, lack of time, isolation, things like that. You know, we didn't leave the house for a year and I kept thinking like, Oh, COVID, COVID, COVID. And then I won't, there came this point where I think to my, I thought to myself like, well, how much would I be going out right now? Anyway, like, would I be going out to a movie and.

[00:08:22] Andrew: No, probably not. Like the most we did was we we took her to a drive in, um, of the last star wars movie, which Jesus, I wish we'd seen something else. But what a waste of a date night. Um, but it's, um, yeah, it has been a struggle. Like that's. Actually, this is, this is kind of an interesting segue a couple of weeks ago.

[00:08:46] Andrew: Um, after three years of doing our best to stay clean, I actually did get COVID. Um, we're all fully vaxxed. We're all boosted and all of that. I'm not sure who or where I got it from, but it really threw me for a loop. [00:09:00] And one of the things that really struck me was the idea that I don't have. A lot of people to tell, you know, I, I haven't come, I don't communicate with a lot of my family anymore for a lot of reasons and I've just over over the last few years of a lot of my friends have sort of split off and faded.

[00:09:18] Andrew: So it's, you know, my brother and my mom and then a couple of people who I have been in contact with and had to give him the cursory. Oh, you've. Been in contact with a COVID person. Maybe go get tested. Um, so it's just, yeah, having, having realized that and part of that is, is, yeah, sure. COVID isolation part.

[00:09:39] Andrew: It's just that when you have kids, you devote so much of your time and yourself to them is one part of it. But then there's the sense that the people, you know, who don't have kids don't get it and it's become, it becomes harder and harder to relate to them. 

[00:09:52] Carter: Yeah, you know, I, I think it's, uh, something that all new parents unfortunately go through is, [00:10:00] is the, you know, the kind of splitting of friendships and, you know, bonds that were previously unbreakable are just.

[00:10:08] Carter: They just kind of wilt away. It's the, you know, there's no, I wouldn't say there's no hard feelings because there's obviously some feelings there. But, you know, you find yourself, you know, 223 years into having a baby and all of the massive, you know, Pond of friends that you previously had is now just kind of dried up and, you know, a few like little, a little fish is still swimming in the little puddles that are left.

[00:10:33] Carter: But it's, um, kind of few and far between. And it's upsetting. But yeah, I mean, people without kids, the closest they can get to understanding is owning a pet, and I'm sure you are probably well aware that anyone that. Like in having a pet to having a baby and the love that they feel you, you just want to, you just want to scream sometimes.

[00:10:58] Carter: I think, uh, the comedian Tom [00:11:00] Segura said it best is, uh, I love my dog, but I also, but I love my kid more. And the difference is if my dog was to bite my kid. I would drown my dog, so I think that sums it up pretty perfectly. I don't think, you know, if the kid bit the dog, he wouldn't drown your kid. 

[00:11:21] Andrew: I want to see somebody go on a vacation and just like, leave their kid in a crib with a.

[00:11:26] Andrew: With a pound of food and just say like, you know, you'd be fine till we get back. Just like send the, send a neighbor by to give him some water every couple of days. They'll be all right. 

[00:11:36] Carter: And look, I'm, I'm in no way treading on the love that a pet owner feels for their, for their pets. I don't own any pets.

[00:11:44] Carter: Uh, Because I've got three kids and I am stretched incredibly thin as it is. I don't want to have to clean up another thing's poo if I don't have to. So back to the, sorry, back to the mental health. [00:12:00] Um, you, you have mentioned that you are diagnosed with ADHD and that that was an adult diagnosis. When were you diagnosed with that?

[00:12:10] Andrew: So, um. Well, here's the fun. Here's the fun thing is that I was diagnosed as a kid. I was maybe 7 or 8 when I first got it. So at that point, they were like, so long ago, they were still calling it add is the primary name for the diagnosis. So that I know that ages me. So all through school, I was on meds and always struggled.

[00:12:29] Andrew: Just kind of didn't matter what we did was always a problem. And so senior year I was on of high school, I was on the highest maximum dose of Adderall they could legally prescribe me. And I was sleeping about two hours a night. I had facial tics. I was like twitchy all the time. And so at this point it's like, well, if it's not helping me with my grades at all, and I'm feeling like trash every day, I'm just going to quit it and see how it does.

[00:12:57] Andrew: And, um, maybe not the best idea [00:13:00] to, to quit, uh, uh, high end stimulant, cold turkey, because then I ended up with narcolepsy for a couple of months and would fall asleep and literally anywhere standing up, sitting down, didn't matter. So that was fun. Um. Jesus, as an adult, I would pay to have that now.

[00:13:21] Andrew: Just let me sleep anywhere.

[00:13:25] Andrew: No, I mean, like if you, if you do it while driving, that gets scary though.

[00:13:33] Andrew: Do not recommend. Please talk to your doctor before quitting any, any medication. Um, so. I will say that was also probably a bad idea to do that right before college, uh, because as much as I struggled in high school, I struggled even more in college and ended up, uh, not finishing. I ran out of money and had to drop out before I could finish my degree and floated from job to job for since then, honestly, and [00:14:00] then.

[00:14:00] Andrew: Got medicated again back in 2014. There was a, a series of really bad decisions that I made in my life that impacted myself and a lot of other people pretty poorly. And that was this moment of, I can't let this go on. 

[00:14:17] Carter: Okay. And do you think that that was a direct result of untreated ADHD, those decisions?

[00:14:23] Carter: Or was there, you know, other things at play? 

[00:14:26] Andrew: There were probably other things at play, but I think that, That was one of the things that rooted it was there were some other childhood traumas. I didn't realize I hadn't dealt with, but, um, my inability, I'll say this, that the ADHD led to an inability to connect those dots to parse things and to be mindful in the moment when these things were happening, where.

[00:14:48] Andrew: If I didn't have this other thing on top of everything else to deal with, maybe I could have made some better decisions. I like to think that was the case. I've mentioned this to a lot of people who ask is like [00:15:00] medication and getting diagnosed with stuff. It's really important. It's not a magic bullet though.

[00:15:04] Andrew: It's um, to me, it's more like this is the thing that helps me deal with all of my other problems is taking care of this one first. 

[00:15:11] Carter: Yeah, definitely. I myself was diagnosed ADHD, uh, and I was medicated. Straight away. And I've been on that medication ever since. And the best way I can describe little pill, uh, some days it can be magical, but for the most part, for me, I feel like it's, uh, it's a key to a suitcase that you lost ages ago.

[00:15:35] Carter: And you finally found that suitcase and you open that suitcase and then you spend the rest of your life unpacking the absolute shit show that was your past. And you unpack and you unpack and you find shit that you haven't seen for years and you're like, Oh my God, this makes a lot more sense. And then there's other things that you're like, uh, that's not even legible.

[00:15:58] Carter: I don't understand that at all. And you put [00:16:00] it back in the suitcase and then another day you'll unpack it. It'll make a little bit more sense. And it's, it's just this never ending puzzle. And for me personally, I. A lot of the time go between a whole range of emotions. Um, you know, I feel angry for slipping through the cracks and not having anyone that was, uh, advocating for me and I grieve the life that I could have had if I had have been diagnosed earlier and had supports and pillars put in place in school so I didn't, you know, drop out three times in year 12.

[00:16:35] Carter: Two weeks before my final exams and all of these things. But for the most part, I'm just really, really thankful that I can now live my life knowing that this is what it is. I'm not just lazy. You know, it's executive dysfunction. I don't have that neural network in my brain that connects. You need to do X.

[00:16:57] Carter: So you should get the fuck up off the couch and do [00:17:00] it. People that don't have ADHD will never understand that because that's just something that's already in their brain. They're like, okay, I've just finished lunch. I need to get my plate and put it in the dishwasher. Instead of that, I will sit there at the table, staring at the plate.

[00:17:15] Carter: On a loop in my head saying, put it in the dishwasher, put it in the dishwasher, put it in the dishwasher and all of a sudden it's 45 minutes later. I'm still sitting at the table saying, put it in the dishwasher and my body is just like, fuck you. I'm not playing the game, you know, for I'm 35 now. So I was diagnosed 34, you know, for 34 years or not 34 years because I didn't have these thoughts as a baby, but you know, for 30 years or however long you want to go with, yeah.

[00:17:43] Carter: I thought I was just lazy and I just kind of had to accept it and just be like, well, I guess this is me. There's nothing really I can do. And you know, the amount of relationship breakdowns because they were just like, you're a fucking deadbeat. You don't do enough. You don't help me around the house. And [00:18:00] the amount of, you know, Constant times that I was grounded by my mother for not cleaning my room when I was asked.

[00:18:08] Carter: All of these things, you know, like my entire life could have been so different if someone had just been like, He's a pretty twitchy kid. He picks at his fingers a lot. He doesn't really listen in class. Like, I could pull out all of my school report cards right now and pretty much every teacher said the same thing.

[00:18:26] Carter: He is incredibly bright, but he does not apply himself and he is easily distracted. And it's just like, how did you all miss this? There was a lot of people that weren't doing their jobs. And yeah, it makes me angry, but it also, it is what it is. You know, you can't change the past. 

[00:18:42] Andrew: So it's, it's one of those things where it's, it's hard to say, how do they miss this?

[00:18:45] Andrew: Because there's a couple of people I've seen who said things like it's the most over diagnosed and most under diagnosed out there. Um, which sounds weird, but when you think about it is it's because people get misdiagnosed and [00:19:00] there, there has been a lot of all for a long time. This stigma against ADHD as a diagnosis there.

[00:19:06] Andrew: Even today, there are psychiatrists who don't believe it's even a thing, and so they will. Run circles around themselves trying to figure out what it could be and they'll medicate everything except the thing that it obviously is Yeah, that's that's changing but it's it never changes fast enough Yeah, and I will say the one thing that I had a very different It's weird because I had a very different experience for me because I was diagnosed so young but in so many ways It was exactly like yours, because even though I was diagnosed, it still didn't always help because I feel like, um, it was not well understood or either, either it wasn't well understood or people didn't try to understand.

[00:19:48] Andrew: And I didn't even understand myself for a long time because there was always this sense from my parents who bless them. They tried their hardest. I think, um, I feel like they did what they thought [00:20:00] was best. And so I can't fault them for that, but the way they framed it was not helpful. There was always the sense of, you're just not trying hard enough.

[00:20:10] Andrew: And even though I was medicated, I knew what was going on. There was always a sense of, well, you're just not trying hard enough to beat whatever this is. And it 

[00:20:19] Carter: was seen as an illness, not, not just a part of a part of you, really. 

[00:20:24] Andrew: Right. And it's. I, I've in the last several years, I've gone back and forth on a couple of different perspectives on this of like, there's, I like, there's people who like to say, ah, ADD is my superpower because I can do this and this and this.

[00:20:37] Andrew: And I, you know, I have this open awareness and I can hyper focus and it's all of those things can be so fleeting and you can't rely on them. 

[00:20:47] Carter: Yeah, it's a constant struggle, you know, the amount of hobbies and things like that, that I always like to start, or I'll do, I'll do 150 hours of researching something and [00:21:00] be like, okay, yeah, I'm going to become a woodworker and make furniture.

[00:21:04] Carter: And, you know, you go out and you start buying your own tools. And then when you realize that you're not as good as. The person on YouTube that, you know, made a bloody Ottoman from scratch in 20 minutes, the, the dopamine hit stops and you just completely lose interest. And, you know, I've got an entire shed full of, you know, the ghosts of hobbies past that just have never stuck.

[00:21:26] Carter: And this is my third episode doing my podcast and God, I hope to hell that I stick with it because it's, It's giving me a real nice dopamine hit right now, so I will say I can continue on. 

[00:21:39] Andrew: So, so what's hilarious is that I've tried to do the podcast thing and I've got a, I've got a closet full of crap from, from when I tried to do a movie podcast with my brother, but I have now 20 years into a successful woodworking hobby.

[00:21:55] Andrew: So it's always the same, isn't it? [00:22:00] Like that's like, there's a couple of things that I know have stuck with me over the years and like woodwork. I've recently gotten into metalwork. Um, I watched a lot of like fortune fire, which is bad smithing. Don't don't take that as an example of the real deal. And like, all the hobbies that I've actually stuck with typically are things that involve me working with my hands and getting very physical and very active.

[00:22:24] Andrew: Um, which is why I think that I end up Gravitating towards the career I'm going for now is realizing that all the things I've always hated about work are, are the things that fire can provide for me. It's, you know, a constantly changing atmosphere. So you get that, um, that novelty every single day. You're always moving.

[00:22:45] Andrew: It's very much this high energy. Like you, you go and you go and you go until the thing is done. And then you, you breathe until the next thing happens. And then you just, and it's like, Realizing like I've tried for decades to do the desk job thing [00:23:00] and have quit or been fired from every single one of them because I can't shove myself into that box.

[00:23:10] Intro: Stay with us. We'll be right back.

[00:23:15] Carter: We are proud to announce our children's book, Girls Can Wear Pants Too, is up for pre order. Head to the podcast Instagram and hit the bio link to sign up for pre order today.

[00:23:28] Carter: Yeah, so I have, uh, 18 to 20 ish years in like call center and corporate office environments. Um, so my previous company I was with for 13 years, seven of which I was in a call center. So, uh, And the rest of the time I was in, uh, financial transactions, just, just running reports and everything every day. And Oh God, I, I just, I went to work every day, just wanting to trigger warning, just [00:24:00] wanting to kill myself.

[00:24:01] Carter: I hated every bit of it. I had no purpose in my life until I became a father. Um, and then I realized, Jesus, I have just been in this. Horrible state of burnout for so long that I've just found comfort in just this really sick and toxic womb and God, it was horrible. And now I, you know, I work a job that I love.

[00:24:25] Carter: It's fulfilling. I don't have managers breathing down my neck. I'm by and large left to my own devices for, you know, my 12, entire 12 hour shift. I'm ABC. My managers for like two, three minutes just for them to come grab my paperwork. Um, and I love it. I'm just, and that's, um, the neurodivergent part of me as well.

[00:24:47] Carter: So post ADHD diagnosis about six months ago, uh, once my ADHD leveled out, the autism came to play, um, and I inadvertently unmasked and [00:25:00] I kind of had to relearn who I am from scratch. So it has been a. Big journey in this podcast is a massive part of that ongoing journey to me getting my mental health to a, to a greater state so I can show up for my kids and my wife and my family a lot more is, you know, I felt I've talked about this on the other episodes so far, but the reason I wanted to start this podcast is because I found that.

[00:25:25] Carter: Most of the parenting things that I would see on social media, because I like to sit there and doom scroll tick tock for hours on end is the perfect curations of family life, um, just left me feeling even worse and just made me feel guilty that I'm not doing enough for my kids and I'm not showing up enough for them.

[00:25:47] Carter: And, you know, like, I let my kids watch a little bit too much TV, but. You know, I have autism. I have sensory issues myself, and it is [00:26:00] 150 percent better for them to watch a little bit more screen time instead of me becoming overstimulated and getting a little bit yelly. So it's just about finding that balance.

[00:26:10] Carter: And I found that I had devoted apart from working. I've devoted all of my time to my wife and kids, and I lost my sense of self identity. So, yeah, this podcast is all about me kind of reclaiming that sense of identity and filling that social cup and, uh, you know, trying to gain knowledge from other parents around the world while discussing mental health and something that I feel very, very passionately about.

[00:26:37] Carter: So that's, that's kind of my journey back to you because this podcast isn't about me. You just want to say something? It's a 

[00:26:43] Andrew: mirror. Is this like, it's the same person. God, it's, it's, it's uncanny. No, it's like, that's one of the things like the last few years is like, especially that first year of parenthood.

[00:26:57] Andrew: Um, God, I sunk every [00:27:00] waking hour, every moment into it. And I definitely feel like that was a bit to my detriment. Maybe, I mean, it's. I feel like my daughter's in as good a place as, as we can have her be. Um, I will get into that in just a minute. Cause, um, but no, I, the loss of sense of self is definitely something I've struggled with too.

[00:27:20] Andrew: And so that's why, like, I have been diving into some of those. Those hobbies like woodwork and making things and of course, because America being what it is, I'm like, Oh, well, let me take this hobby and turn it into a side hustle and don't, don't try and do like, I mean, I actually, you're doing that. So don't take my advice, but it's, they can quickly burn out the thing that you, that you'd like to do to and turn it into just another piece of work.

[00:27:49] Andrew: Um, 

[00:27:50] Carter: I just, I just want to chat with. Other parents all around the world and, you know, gain insight and gain knowledge and share knowledge and that's fantastic. Just [00:28:00] have a real conversation about the mental health struggles of being a parent. 

[00:28:04] Andrew: Well, it's like, here's the one of the things that I particularly wanted to touch on is that.

[00:28:09] Andrew: When you have ADHD, there's, I feel like there's a lot of resources out there now, more than there ever have been. Um, but the way that they frame it tends to be like, okay, there's plenty of general, general purpose stuff. There's tons of books about how to survive work and school if you have ADHD. There's even a handful of books about relationships when you have ADHD.

[00:28:29] Andrew: But what there aren't any of that I've been able to see are books or resources or parents who have ADHD. All of the parenting books are all from the other perspective of how do you parent a kid who has ADHD and like, yes, my daughter probably does. She's very young. She's three, but we're seeing the sort of early signs and that's going to be very useful.

[00:28:51] Andrew: But nobody, it feels like nobody talks about the struggle of the parent who has it because I think even now, uh, adult [00:29:00] ADHD is something that's sort of Only now becoming to come into the, the, the, the cultural conversation. 

[00:29:06] Carter: Yeah, I think everyone, or not even everyone, I think that there is a growing number of people that are starting to realize that ADHD and autism are quite hand in hand and the two can often live alongside each other.

[00:29:21] Carter: Um, but ADHD in particular, I think. People are finding that that is also a spectrum and there are, you know, varying levels, you know, as we were talking about before me slipping through the cracks, as I put it, you know, that was just kind of a way of thinking to myself at the time. But, you know, after I've educated myself a little bit more and discussed this with people with ADHD and way back then.

[00:29:46] Carter: I probably wasn't looked at as ADHD because I wasn't the kid that was bouncing off the walls and, you know, like tipping tables in class because they just couldn't sit still. That's how ADD or ADHD was viewed back then. [00:30:00] But, you know, slowly as history has come along, we are getting to this place where it's like, okay, well, you know, there's a set of traits.

[00:30:09] Carter: And those traits don't necessarily all have to fit into into your own box. But anyway, sorry. So you were back to the back to the, you know, talking about books and there were no books for parents with ADHD, 

[00:30:23] Andrew: right? 

[00:30:23] Carter: You are currently writing a book. Is that correct? 

[00:30:26] Andrew: I am. Yes. And I wanted to do specifically from that perspective of, you know, what are the challenges?

[00:30:33] Andrew: Parenting with ADHD. Um, so working title right now, it's attention deficit dad. But obviously I want to market it to anybody who, who mom's dads or other, um, who are having the same struggle and obviously can this from the perspective of, I am not a doctor. But, this is something I've lived with my entire life, and I've found plenty of things that don't work, [00:31:00] and a handful of things that do, and uh, obviously your mileage may vary, but I want to share my story, and my struggles, and the things that, that I finally found have worked better, and um, of course, most important, I think, the things to avoid, and if you, if you have not read the work of um, Brene Brown, Brene Brown.

[00:31:21] Andrew: I highly, highly recommend it. Um, she's a writer. She doesn't specify in, um, in ADHD, but she, her focus is a lot on emotional intelligence and particularly when it comes to the feeling of shame. And I think that anyone who struggles with ADHD has dealt with that as a central facet of, of the struggle is the shame of it all.

[00:31:48] Andrew: Because you see everybody around you doing better and doing these things easily that do not come easily to you. Like you were talking about with, you know, putting your plate in the dishwasher. It's [00:32:00] everyone has the thing and you are struggling to do the thing and you can't and everyone else seems to just do it like that.

[00:32:07] Andrew: And that when you live alone or you're just worrying about your job is is hard enough. But when that impacts your family, your kid, that is a recipe for. Some serious, uh, depression and anxiety. 

[00:32:23] Carter: Yeah, definitely. So the, the book you're currently writing, uh, are you close to finished? Just started? Where are we at right now?

[00:32:32] Andrew: Early drafting phase right now. Early drafting, 

[00:32:35] Carter: yeah. And you, you 

[00:32:38] Andrew: are a published author already, is that correct? Um, published author of some, some smaller pieces. No, no books as of yet. Not published. I've, I've completed several, uh, and that I'm, that are currently, uh, uh, query several, um, several are out on, out on sub at the moment.

[00:32:54] Andrew: So we'll, we'll see where that goes. 

[00:32:57] Carter: Okay, but they're not, [00:33:00] uh, self help books or anything like that. So, no, actually genre 

[00:33:03] Andrew: entirely. Correct? Correct. Correct. This was actually my first attempt at a nonfiction book. Period I've, uh, I'm normally actually a fantasy and horror author. 

[00:33:12] Carter: Okay, 

[00:33:13] Andrew: beautiful. 

[00:33:15] Carter: I'll let you plug that at the end if you wish.

[00:33:17] Carter: Um, so as far as all of this and all of the juggling and all of the, you know, fingers in different pies and everything like that. How do you prioritize self care and your mental health, um, outside of parenting and working and, you know, your side hustles and everything like that? 

[00:33:39] Andrew: So it's, the way I've had to do it just because of, I mean, again, everyone's, your mileage may vary.

[00:33:46] Andrew: Everyone's family's different. Everyone's situation's different. The way I've had to do it is So from, from the time my daughter wakes up till she goes to sleep, she is my number one priority. Um, so I, you can kind of look at it as you're on shift for 12 [00:34:00] to however many hours. Um, I might get a couple minutes here and there, 5 to 10 minutes at a stretch to do something else.

[00:34:07] Andrew: But it's like, I, I can, I, you can think about it that way. But it's weird. Like, it feels weird to think about it like a job because that I've never liked any job I've ever had. Maybe it's, this is the job I love enough that I don't think about it that way, but it's just the thing I have to focus on. And then once she's, once she's down for the night, that's kind of my moment to let all the, the mental health stuff to sort of spill out where I can, where I can.

[00:34:31] Andrew: Put it together and analyze it. So that's, that's kind of my, my way of doing it. Not saying that that'll work for everybody, but it's kind of like, just like not necessarily a tamp it down or keep it in, but just sort of like put the brakes on that stuff until I have the time to, to really unpack it all.

[00:34:48] Andrew: So usually it's like from eight o'clock till whenever I go to bed, that's, that's my time, that's my, me and my wife's time. So that's when we, we get our time to connect. Um, if it's. If it's a night, we can [00:35:00] spare it. I can spend an hour working on my writing or a hobby or something. And those have really, it doesn't even take much time for me to feel like I'm connected to something other than other than my daughter.

[00:35:13] Andrew: Um, it's just this. These little reminders are like, yes, I am also right. Oh, yes. I'm also a husband. Yes. I'm also all these other things. Um, that's been the biggest thing for me is, um, is take like I can take a little 5 to 10 minutes when I need them. Um, it's worth noting that my, my mother in law lives with us.

[00:35:33] Andrew: So if I, if I desperately need a break or. You know, I'm at this point where, you know, feeling like I'm about to chuck my kid on a window. I can have somebody else watch her for a couple of minutes while I, you know, 

[00:35:45] Carter: reset. And do you have kind of like that hard limit where you're like, okay, I, I'm not coping very well right now.

[00:35:54] Carter: I can tap out and. Uh, someone else will be able to be there to, um, [00:36:00] look after your daughter. 

[00:36:01] Andrew: Yes. So this is again, why, why I'm immensely, immensely thankful of having my, my mother in law live with us is that when I, cause my wife, you know, works full time. So she, her, she has a, her work schedule can be a little flexible, so she can come out sometimes and, and help if, if we, we desperately need that.

[00:36:21] Andrew: But most of the time it's, it's me. And then it's, if I need that time with. I do have a hard limit. It's usually when, when I noticed that my voice gets, it's a little too loud. Um, and this is where I will say it's, if you are medicated, it is so important to take your pills because when you phone, you do finally find the right pill or pills that, that you get it dialed in.

[00:36:45] Andrew: That ability of that stuff to keep me mindful is the most important thing. And that's what I've found is like, it's not that I don't ever get pissed off. It's that I can. I can take that. I get to put the mental brakes on and say like, okay, I'm here at this [00:37:00] point where I'm about to start saying some things I regret and yelling at my, at my daughter who is three years old.

[00:37:07] Andrew: And you know, she's just, this is developmentally appropriate. Three year olds piss you off. And then you can, you can step away and be like, okay, I can, I can take a few minutes. I can have somebody else watch her while I do it. Usually not done. I don't even know anything productive. I just need to be away somewhere else long enough to get my head on straight.

[00:37:26] Andrew: Yeah. Well, I'm 

[00:37:27] Carter: glad that you have, uh, your mother in law there. I think that there are probably many, many, many people out there that, uh, wouldn't describe living with their mother in law as, um, a godsend or a gift or anything like that. So, um, I'm really, really glad that that works for you. And I'm really glad that you have those supports in place, uh, outside of.

[00:37:49] Carter: Uh, the household, though, when it comes to prioritizing your own mental health and your own self care, are you actively in therapy? Do you, you know, use the gym or [00:38:00] anything like that? 

[00:38:01] Andrew: So, um, the gym is coming since, like I said, I'm applying for my local fire department. That's definitely something that's got to get rid of the dad bod.

[00:38:09] Andrew: Um, um, so that, that is, uh, in the works, uh, as far as therapy, uh, yes, absolutely. I did get a psychiatrist and a therapist, um, both of which offer me something completely different. Um, therapy happened not until a couple of years ago, actually. Um, and I didn't even start it because of the ADHD. It was, um, to, to put the story long story short, I, I cut some toxic people out of my life.

[00:38:38] Andrew: My father. Particularly, um, which was pretty, um, pretty rough, pretty painful. And so I actually, I started on like getting a therapist for the two of us to work out of our differences and it just didn't happen. And then I made the decision to, to go no contact. And then got a separate therapist to sort of deal with that fallout, [00:39:00] and then realized I needed it for far more than that.

[00:39:04] Andrew: And it's, uh, I absolutely 100 percent recommend it if you have the means to do so. Um, just having Yeah, 100%. Having a neutral third party. Who can look at things differently and give you that different perspective on on things. And it's, I know it's always hard because when, when you're going to a therapist, it's your perspectives.

[00:39:23] Andrew: You're just telling them things as you see them. And like, maybe I am the asshole. Who knows? Hopefully somebody else can, can set me straight if they need to. 

[00:39:32] Carter: Yeah, I can't advocate enough for, uh, for therapy. I, and not even therapy in general. It's. It's very, very important to find the right therapist for you, the therapist that you gel with, that has a similar personality and similar ish life experiences to you, so they can actually give you the tools that are necessary to fill your tool bag and have those resources available for you to [00:40:00] work on your own shit outside of therapy.

[00:40:04] Carter: I've been in therapy all my life, and I have seen dozens upon dozens. Of therapists and up until maybe 10 years ago, I, I was like, yeah, therapy is a good thing. You know, it's good to talk about your feelings, but I never actually learned too much from it. I just felt it was like, uh, I'm going to this place to talk about these things and they're going to be like, that's no good.

[00:40:29] Carter: Um. I have since found a therapist that I gel with and my life has train changed so drastically and I have figured out things and learn things about myself that have just blown my mind. So any listeners out there, if you are contemplating therapy. Find a therapist for one, but test them out, don't, if you go to a session and you go home feeling like that was good to talk about my feelings, but I don't know if [00:41:00] they're the right person for me, don't quit therapy entirely, find another therapist and keep trying and I guarantee you one day you will find the therapist that clicks and, and you will be So much better off for it.

[00:41:14] Andrew: It's like, um, it's like being in a relationship, really? Because it is a relationship in its own way. Yeah. It's like having a bad therapist is worse than having no therapist. Yeah. Because they 

[00:41:25] Carter: 100%. 

[00:41:26] Andrew: I've, I've had, I've Come out of sessions with a bad therapist, feeling actively worse. So, um, absolutely, absolutely find, find one and like, it's a daunting process, but, and again, that's where the meds can help because I can help keep you, keep you, keep you going until you can get that next piece of the puzzle.

[00:41:45] Carter: Yeah. I, I tend to be a very trusting person and I, I honestly do see the world through rose tinted glasses and I try to find, you know, the beauty in. In the ugly side of everything. [00:42:00] Um, so I tend to put a lot of trust in any and all of the therapists that I had previously been to, and now that I've got the one that clicks, I'm just, I look back and I'm like, Jesus, why did this one try to tell me that Buddhism is the answer?

[00:42:16] Carter: And, you know, I had. One that was very, very pro Catholic and I was raised in a Catholic family and that contributes to a lot of my childhood traumas and, uh, issues with, uh, identity of self and the, you know, the shame as, uh, we talked about before my wife and I, our parents on both sides, um, have religion in their lives.

[00:42:42] Carter: My entire extended family are all still devout Catholics. Um, you know, my, my daughter's in the age now where she asks a lot about where, where Nan Nan is, which is my mother, and she unfortunately passed away from cancer, uh, in 2015. So, uh, my daughter never met her, but we, you know, we've [00:43:00] got photos up and everything.

[00:43:01] Carter: And she, I'm honest with her. Um, I've had conversations surrounding death and. It's so easy to fall back on religion as like this pillow to protect her and she's like, you know, Nan Nan's up in the sky and she's watching over you. And, you know, when you die, you go to this beautiful place where you're surrounded by all of your loved ones and you can live in eternal bliss.

[00:43:23] Carter: And that's such a beautiful thing to put together, um, for a kid because you want to protect your kid, um, The harsh reality is, when you die, it's probably just nothing and that's totally okay. And look, I'm not, I'm not saying that there's not an afterlife because obviously I don't know. Um, I don't believe in things that there's where there's no tangibility and if I can't hold it in my hand, I'm not going to believe it.

[00:43:52] Carter: Um, so when my daughter asks about death and things like that, I've explained to her that. There's billions of people in this world [00:44:00] and all of those billions of people believe in one of this group of things, you know, this is called religion and these people believe in buddhism. These people believe in hinduism.

[00:44:12] Carter: These people believe in catholicism or christianity, et cetera, et cetera. And I've explained God to her and I've explained their belief systems. And I said, when you are older. If you feel like you are gravitating towards one belief, I will support you in doing so, but that will be a decision that we let our kids make by themselves.

[00:44:34] Carter: It's not something that will ever be introduced to them, uh, or pushed upon them like it was to me. 

[00:44:40] Andrew: Right. And here's the thing. I was raised Catholic as well, and even wouldn't support us to go through confirmation. Which even at the time I did for my mom's sake because she was very devout and my parents were going through a pretty nasty divorce at the time and I did that kind of kind of grease the wheels which is not the reason to do anything [00:45:00] involving a religion um left the catholic church found religion elsewhere so I'm actually pretty a pretty spiritual person um but don't you know everyone's got their own perspective and I think all of them are are valid in their own ways So if it doesn't work for you, that's totally cool.

[00:45:18] Andrew: I'm, I've never been one to push religion on anybody, especially not my kid. And my wife and I are very, we're both very religious actually, but we've come to the decision that that's, that's not our decision to make for, for our daughter. It's hers between her decision between her and whatever else she decides is out there.

[00:45:38] Andrew: And I mean, she's only three and she's already asked us questions about death and we will talk about it as frankly as we can. If she asks where you go, she hasn't yet, but it's just, we don't know. And I think that's a perfectly valid answer is that we don't know what happens like you die. But beyond that, I don't know.

[00:45:58] Andrew: And I don't think there's like, that's [00:46:00] we can, we can talk about the physiological death of somebody as best as we can. And. I mean, how she's asking where babies come from already and three years old this kid. 

[00:46:13] Carter: Oh, my God, some of some of the questions that they come up with us. So incredibly profound. And you just blown away with, you know, this.

[00:46:23] Carter: First for knowledge these three year olds have and then five minutes later they're spinning around in circles and screaming I'm a taco I'm a taco and it's it's it's just it's yeah it's a lot 

[00:46:34] Andrew: where was it on your toes. There's so this is so funny it's um this is a few months ago she um I went in I was putting her down for the night and I was singing her all of her songs like I do every night and then just before she goes to bed she looks at me and says.

[00:46:49] Andrew: Daddy, death is a part of life and then she hits the pillow and she immediately falls asleep. I'm like, well, I'm going to be thinking about that all night. Yeah. [00:47:00] 

[00:47:00] Carter: Yeah. I think kids definitely see a little bit more than adults can see. You know, we grow up and lose that innocence, but I think that innocence is, uh, Essential to them being able to see more that we can see sometimes 

[00:47:16] Andrew: it's to me.

[00:47:16] Andrew: It's curiosity is the most important thing to foster in a kid. And that's what gets knocked out of everybody is people stop getting curious about the world around them. They stop asking those questions. Like now, sometimes it'll be, she'll be like, Daddy, I have an important question. What if I had lots and lots of hands?

[00:47:34] Andrew: Okay. But then it's the provincial ask questions about like, she's, we saw some, I don't want to, I can't remember what it was that we saw, but we ended up having a conversation about racism. And she's like, she saw some, like a picture of an old sign saying, you know, no black people can use this bathroom.

[00:47:52] Andrew: She's like, why did they do that? Like, well, because of these reasons, she says, well, that's silly. I'm like, you know what? It is silly. [00:48:00] Yeah. Like, I was so proud of her in that moment of, like, being able to ask those kind of questions and, and to, to recognize at such a young age that, and that's, that's one of those things, like, you know, to go back to the shame thing, like we, we, I think as parents kick ourselves a lot over every little mistake that we make, you know, we're like, did I do something wrong by.

[00:48:22] Andrew: You know, having ADHD and having a kid and knowing that she could have it too. Did I do something to her to cause it? Did I do something wrong? Have I yelled too much? Did I, did I screw her up? And then you get those times like that. You're like, you know what? No, I think, I think we're doing okay. I think we're doing 

[00:48:38] Carter: a good job.

[00:48:38] Carter: Uh, I, I heard a line. Not too long ago that I have really tried to implement as like a personal mantra, uh, which is bad parents don't wonder if they're bad parents, bad parents don't worry if they're bad parents, bad parents just aren't bad parents, and I think that really sums it up. If you're sitting there at nighttime [00:49:00] thinking, Oh, God, am I screwing my daughter up or, you know, is she going to need therapy?

[00:49:05] Carter: Because I got a little bit grumpy yet. Her, you know, smashing a plate or whatever. And you're sitting there worried about that. And you're trying to come up with ways to remedy that. So that doesn't happen again. You're not a bad parent. You're just doing the best you can with what you've been given. Uh, and I think that is a really, really important distinction to make.

[00:49:24] Carter: Yet again, I've talked about this on every other episode that I've done, and I will continue to talk about it on every episode from now. And. That is just be kind to yourself, cut yourself some slack, give yourselves a break, uh, before we wrap up any last minute things that you would like to discuss, um, you know, as we said, I'll, I'll let you plug your books, if you so wish, uh, everything like that, uh, take it away.

[00:49:50] Andrew: All right. Um, well, first up, I want to say in reference to what you just said, it's, I think the most important thing is, uh, to be curious and to listen. I mean, I [00:50:00] feel like. If you've seen the movie, which I know everyone's going to see it now, Everything, Everywhere, All at Once, one of the big messages of that movie is like, you can try your hardest and things might still not work out the way you want them to, despite how hard you tried.

[00:50:13] Andrew: The important thing is to recognize that and to keep trying. And to not give up on yourself or your family, and I think there's no more important message than that is that even if 1 day, your kid comes up to you and says, you screwed me up. It's like, well, you know what? Let's talk about it and let's figure it out and just to move forward from there.

[00:50:32] Andrew: So I think that you're absolutely right. We've got to give ourselves grace. And we've got to just do the best that we're capable of. And I think just talking to people like, like we're doing here is one of the most important things you can possibly do. Knowing that you're not alone in these struggles.

[00:50:48] Andrew: There's nothing more helpful than that to me. So find whatever community you can in person online. There's there's people out there that can help. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I think that's, uh, [00:51:00] that's it for right now. Um, that sums it all up. Yep. Yep. And, uh, attention deficit, dad, hopefully coming to bookshelves near you soon.

[00:51:08] Andrew: Um, 

[00:51:08] Carter: yeah, I, um, is there. Is there any sort of social media or anything that people can follow you on? I definitely want to, um, keep in touch so I can absolutely track the progress of that. 

[00:51:20] Andrew: Yes. I am at arcane author at nearly every social that, so it's ARCANE underscore author on Twitter. Um, that's where you find my insane ramblings, uh, And any, any, any book news that's still where all the writers hang out, despite all of the madness there right now.

[00:51:42] Andrew: Awesome. 

[00:51:43] Carter: Well, yeah, as I said, I will, uh, definitely keep track of that book. I can't wait to read it when it, uh, comes out. Hopefully, uh, won't be waiting too long.

[00:51:57] Carter: again, Andrew, for, um, For joining [00:52:00] us today. Uh, it's been a great chat. I really appreciate it. I believe it's probably quite late where you are now, probably around 9 30, 10 ish. Yeah. I'll let you, uh, get to doing whatever you want to do and get some sleep and all that. But yet again, thank you so much, mate.

[00:52:17] Carter: Had a great time. 

[00:52:18] Andrew: This is outstanding. I would love to do it again. If you have a spot for me, just to keep in touch. Always mate. Too easy. You have a good one. You too. All right.

[00:52:30] Intro: We try and find a way To make it so my life's a better place If there's one thing I see Then the only thing is me Just knowing that I'm trying to make a change Can't I put it all on me? Responsibilities And all the other nonsense coming By repeating the [00:53:00] There's one thing I know, Just knowing to let go.

[00:53:04] Intro: Just knowing that I'm trying to make a change.